Life is never boring when you have two teenagers at home and especially with one that likes to live on the edge. I don’t know whether it is the time change or just the stress of it all, but I have been going to bed very early lately.
My youngest son seems to have turned himself around since he got picked up by the police during school at lunch for “attempting” to smoke pot. The reason I say attempted because they realized once they got to their point of destination that they did not have lighter, one small detail and never actually smoked. But since they were followed by the police from the school campus for suspicious behavior and one of the teens had a backpack full of stash they got busted, suspended and a whole slew of other consequences.
This may have been the best thing that could have happened to him. He appears to now be studying more and I can tell a difference in his attitude that he is not using or maybe just not as much. This makes me happy, I know some teens will experiment it is just how far will they take it.
My other son recently has had a tougher time, he both lost his job (due to lack of work at the workplace) and his girlfriend in the same week. I am not sure if it was coincidental or what. He got involved with some other kids at school, as he can, with abusing prescription drugs and I think was planning to have a “high old time” for Halloween. Luckily we busted him a day before and he ended up grounded at home Halloween night. Not a bad thing, it appeared to me he was on the path of taking this event over the edge. He admitted to what he was using and he appears to also becoming out the other side and realizing he did not make good choices. I can always tell when they are not using, because they once again become human, more involved and engaged with the family. They tend to become very distant when drugs are in the picture and irritable.
For the first week after I busted my son, he was very mad at me, I think I ruined his Halloween and we butted heads constantly. I could not have a conversation with him without him blowing up at me and at the same time he may have been coming down off the drugs. I talked to my therapist about it and these are the four things I am working on:
- Backing off, not being confrontational or giving advice. Since, obviously he has not wanted my advice lately.
- Praising him when he does something good. He was complaining that I am always critical. I have heard this being referred to as making deposits to the love bank.
- Making suggestions, not having a conversation, but just making a suggestion and then leaving the room. Don’t engage in conversation or try to convince him to see things my way or be invested in the outcome.
- Pass the responsibility off to someone else (like my husband) to deal with the big issues, like looking for a job or doing his homework.
I thought it would be easy, but the first day after I made the list, I was really depressed. My first feeling was that I have lost all control and power. I felt like I had to act uninterested in his world, but now it has been three days since I started practicing these behaviors and to some extent I feel liberated. I know longer feel as invested in the outcome of his decisions and I also notice he seems to be gravitating toward me (somewhat) for conversation.
Example, the other night he came home and I was busy with a project when he came in, he started talking to me. I continued to do what I was doing, chatting but not stopping what I was doing for him. He kept right on talking offering information. I listened but did not comment much. He soon left satisfied and I continued with my project.
For now it appears to be working, a change in my attitude and a possible change in his. The other day I heard this saying;
“you can make plans, but you can’t plan the outcome”
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Hi Beth, As you are aware this is a roller coaster ride. I try not to get in the car but the inertia seems to pull me. Baby steps is correct, so much good and so much still to be learned. Some kids get it and others just keep banging their heads against the wall. I think you are well aware of what I mean. Keep your head up we are all traveling this road together.
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Hey there – I haven’t checked your blog for a few days and was glad to find a new post. I am always wondering how things are going at your house. Sounds like you are able to stay on top of things and disinvest yourself somewhat from the outcome at the same time. Bad new about the job and the girlfriend and the drugs, but it sounds like at least that he accepted his consequences without freaking out or running off. That is progress, which as you know we parents have to measure in baby steps for our great big kids. I like that list your therapist gave you, and I am going to steal it for myself and try to follow it. As for losing control and power–when you think about it, we really haven’t had much of that since they got too big to sit on. Glad to hear your younger son seems to be doing better. Take care of yourself my friend–can’t say I blame you for going to bed early! Be glad you can fall asleep!
Hi Angie, I think of you often. Sounds like you won’t have to worry about New Year’s. I can’t start worrying about that one now. Keep up the good work.
Just like so many of your other posts this hits so close to home. I absolutely loved how said you can always tell when they are not using, because they once again become human, more involved and engaged with the family. They tend to become very distant when drugs are in the picture and irritable. That is so true, I am living this right along with you! My daughter just asked if she could have a New Years party here at our houwse…wow! The answer was an enthuastic YES… she will be home and supervised. What a difference a year can make. Thanks for your insights, they are priceless.
Those are some good suggestions. I’m going to keep that list for my own son interactions! Thanks for continuing to post and be so transparent. Your sons are fortunate to have you for their mom!