One of the most exciting and also very stressful times when you have a child in residential treatment is your first leave of absence or home visit. I will have to say I was very stressed before my son came home for the first time in 11 months. But after he got here it was payment for all the anxiety, sadness and heartbreak we had been going through. From what I understand, not all home visits go well, but here is my story:
Overall, I would give our home visit an A+. We did have a few, for lack of a better word, blips, but overall it was much better than I had expected. Why? I can tell that he is getting some good out of residential treatment. We did not have the same blow ups we would have had in the past. He was much more compliant with the rules that we had put into place. I don’t know if that is because he was just thrilled to be at home, was he trying to make a good impression or he truly is on the right track. Of course I hope it is the latter.Our son was home for five days (including two travel days). We were with him basically 24 x 7. I am not saying we slept in the same room with him, but there was always an adult around and we NEVER left him home alone. Which I will have to say was an adjustment, from what we were currently used to, but well worth it. When I would ask him to do something he would do it and I also noticed he was very polite. Never using offensive language toward any of us. We allowed him to go on the internet and contact friends in a supervised area. He did have one friend over for a few hours. The rule was he had to stay at the house. But once the friend arrived he wanted to go for a walk around the block. We told him no, he got upset, but did not make a big deal out of it and went on with his visit.We had a lot of family time and he seemed to enjoy our company, he spent a lot of time outside the house on his skateboard or bike. In the house he was listening to music, watching movies, playing the guitar or on the internet, all these activities were in a public area. Very different from before RTC, he was very secrective, not wanting to be around us. Now he actually engaged in conversation with us.Overall it was wonderful having him home, at the dinner table and in his room. He really does add a great energy to our home. He did not once beg us not to send him back to his RTC. I know that on his last day, it was really tough for him when we got to the airport and he had to leave. NOW that he is back at the RTC, he seems very motivated to get home.
What were the difficult times? One night my husband and I were getting ready to go to bed and he wanted to stay up later and watch TV. I told him it was ok, but to stay IN the house and not go outside, as I locked the doors. I went upstairs to go to bed, then came downstairs to get something and who should come in from outside? I call him on it and also smell smoke in the house. I think it was cigarettes but I am not 100% sure. He claims he picked, a cigarette up from off the ground, when he had been riding his bike supposedly in the front yard. Which he later admitted he went elsewhere in the neighborhood. I did not want to deal with it that evening and told him to go to bed. He did not argue and went upstairs to bed. Another great step forward, because he did not argue and was compliant.
This is all somewhat easy to deal with when you know they are going back to the RTC in a couple of days. But I wanted to handle it, give myself time to act rationally, the next day we had a conversation, I expressed what he did wrong, how he broke the rules and what the consequences would be and left it at that. He did not get upset or argue with me. That is what really was impressive, because in the past he would have blown up at me.
My feeling is this was a blip, but not a major blip. I think he was trying on many different hats on this visit. He had not been home in 10+ months and I think he has fantasies of his old life and is now trying to figure out how his new learned behaviors will fit with his life here and putting all the pieces together.
I was going to go through his room and really do a clean job before he got home, get rid of all the old memories etc. I did not do it and I am glad I didn’t, because I really feel that is his job. He needs to make the changes, I can’t make them for him and I need to trust and respect that he has been away for 10 months working on his issues.
Posts
