Our decision to bring our son home in the next week was made quickly and not what I had imagined it would be like. When he was home in April, we could see and feel how much he wanted to leave the RTC. He has been gone for 2.5 years. Click here to read my previous post for those details.
Honestly I don’t know if we will ever be prepared for him to come home and if it is possible. The biggest hurdle may be letting go of the past so that it does not over shadow what the future holds, we all need to build trust and really value all the great progress he has made. I truly do feel that we are getting the son back that we once knew. He has changed and we have changed and we must all embrace the work we have done together.
Teen Proof House
Prior to his leaving we had to teen “proofed” the house, locking up medications, liquor and any item that may be subject to abuse. We have kept the house that way since we have a younger son and knew it was the best precaution during the teen years. I can not stress enough how important this is with teens in the house. It may not be your teen that has the problem, but one of their friends that may need help. I feel the house is ready, and has limited temptations. There is always something that may be overlooked but for him this should no longer be an issue.
Home Treatment Plan
A main concern is that he will be busy, have “constructive” activities and not have much down time. This is difficult with him coming home during the summer. We have put together a “Home Treatment Plan”, which is a document spelling out all the rules and expectations living in our home. We drafted the document together, so that it was not us dictating the rules. It is longer than I would have liked but during our weekly family therapy sessions we discussed it in detail. While reviewing the expectations, he was a bit reluctant at first, but realized later that what we were asking was realistic and not as demanding as the RTC, he then calmed down and that made me feel better about the process. I also found in many respects he was actually tougher on himself with the rules than we would have been, in that case we always went with his suggestions. This document helped us all to be on the same page with our expectations, we know where the push backs may be and he knows what is most important to us for success.
The Home Treatment Plan begins with the over all goals for the next 6 months, the living arrangements, curfew, household responsibilities … nothing really big just how we will live together. Personally I think it is as good as the paper it is printed on, but it does give us a starting point. It details the expectations that he will attend NA or AA meetings of his choice twice a week, family therapy every other week, attend school, work towards his driver’s permit and maybe look for a job. There is a lot of catching up to do. Our plan is not to watch him 24 x 7, if he needs that type of attention he should not be coming home. He thinks it will be “easy” to be drug free but plans to smoke cigarettes. Which to me cigarettes are disgusting, he knows he cannot smoke in or around house. I will have to turn a blind eye to this and I guess pick my battles. Maybe he will change his mind.
High School Diploma
The next big concern is school, he will be a Senior in High School. He wants to go to the local school and be a “normal” kid. But can you imagine starting at a school your senior year? We did consider the public schools and the special programs they offered, but to be honest, I don’t think it would be a safe environment or in his best interest. The academics at an RTC are very limited and classes are small, there may be 12 kids, all boys or the same sex, very little homework and a lot of one on one attention. I think the public school would be filled with stress, social anxieties and a lot of academic pressure. It will be difficult enough adjusting to being outside the walled RTC community and structured environment of the RTC. Our home also does not provide the same structure as an RTC. We also do not want him returning to the school where he got into trouble and with the kids that know about his past, it would be nice to have a clean start. His academic units are also all over the map, a little bit of this and a little bit of that, not just the senior courses that are needed. When he gets a high school diplomat I will be thrilled, there was a time I did not think it was possible.
We met with a lot of professionals discussing what would be appropriate and we found a small private school about 30 minutes from our home that specializes in one on one instruction, tailors the classes to each teen’s specific needs. I am excited about the school and think it will be perfect for him. Once again my anxiety about the past sets in because I have been excited in the past about many programs for him that turned out to be total disasters. This summer he will be in summer school making up for lost units so that he will graduate on time June 2010. Basically we are trying to put together the best home treatment plan possible but reality has it he is the only one that can make it work.
Family Dynamics
The other big component is our family dynamics. His younger brother has his own life and they do not seem to have the relationship they had when they were younger. This is in part due to all the drama we went through before he left home. It is difficult to see them grow apart, but I understand this happens as siblings become teens. I am hoping they will find some common ground now that they will be in the same house more consistently. Their is the four of us learning to live together again under one roof, from what I understand the transition back home is not easy and most families are not prepared for what it may bring.
Sometimes I feel like we should be doing more, but once again the true success is within him.
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for making us think of parenting, and growing up, in a different way.
Mary Brent
You sound like you have a reasonable plan – his buying into the contract and making suggestions is huge. I have to say that school sounds ideal. I hope it goes well. Interesting comment about teen proofing a home – I had not thought that even though my child does not have a problem with those things, his/her friends may.