Recent text message checking in with my son, that recently returned from residential treatment, that has been out with a friend for a few hours:
Mom: Hi! What’s Going On?
Son: Friends getting picked up at 7:30 gunna head home then.Mom: Perfect! Where are you?
Son: In townMom: Eating?
Son: Nah, just hanging out we were in a store, now we’re just chilling waiting for his dad.Mom: Will they give you a ride?
Son: No. His dad knows I’ve been to an RTC they think I am a bad kid.(
We text a bit more, decide to talk about it later and the messages ended.
As I type this text message it makes me sad. This is his reality, his past will always be with him and maybe haunt him. It is amazing how everyone remembers the bad and not the good. The age old story of the ex-convict that tries to come clean, but due to his past record he is blamed for crimes he never committed. Where is the justice?
My son returns home and walks in the door that same evening he is obviously upset and practically in tears looks at me and says it is your fault. “You told everyone where I was and now no one can hang out with me”. We talked, I explained I did not tell everyone (only a few close friends) where he was the past few years. But people do wonder where your kid is when they have been gone for a few years. Truth of the matter is, I would rehearse what I would tell people that I did not want to explain if they asked or how I would always change the subject. I did get phone calls from parents that were concerned about their troubled teens and wanting help, I was honest and open with them but always guarded. I have always wanted to protect my son’s identity because I knew there would be back lashes just like this from the community. Most people really do not understand what residential treatment is and this is one of the reasons I started this blog. Even my closest friends had a hard time understanding why I could not just tell him what to do. What works for a normal teen does not work with a troubled teen. Once you place them in treatment the guilt and sadness one feels is huge.
This is my message to the parents that do not understand the definition of a troubled teen or struggling teen. The teens in residential treatment or that have gone to wilderness are not bad kids, these are kids that have been given a chance. Not everyone’s life follows the perfect path. My son has never hurt any one, the only person he has hurt is himself. It is my firm belief there is no such thing as a “bad” teen, but there are a lot of teens that need help. Many of these teens are hurting and are crying out, easing there pain with drugs, self medicating and some with violence. Mental health issues are misunderstood in our society and are no different than having a physical illness, such as an appendicitis, that needs attention. People fear problems with the brain.
If you hear a teen has been through a treatment program, don’t turn your back on them, give them the dignity they deserve. It is the negative attitudes that can trigger them back to old behaviors. They have been dealing with negativity most of their entire lives. Embrace the fact they completed the program, they have suffered through many long months of soul searching and have more self awareness than many of the teens in a traditional high school setting. There are many wonderful families that are dealing with troubled teens and have sent them through treatment and it is not because they are bad families.
While the kids are in treatment we talk about the good friends and the bad friends, who they can hang out with and who they cannot. In some ways we are just as guilty. Some of my sons friends I don’t think are the best influence. We have discussed it and explained why. We have also told him that if he wants to continue to see them, they will have to come and spend time at our house so we can get to know them. That usually scares most of them away. Don’t condemn a teen just because they needed an intervention, these are the lucky teens. The ones I worry about are those that have not had this opportunity. Who are we to judge, open your hearts and open your minds lets not turn our backs on the future generations of this country because they stumbled a bit when they were young and got off track.
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Hi Summergurl, I do not have any resources for these type of issues. Maybe someone will see your comment and reply. Good luck, it sounds very frustrating.
i am writing to get resources. maybe it’s also that i need to vent. i am so frustrated at this point. i would say from the time this child was brought in the world he has struggled some kind of a abuse. Physical,mental, emotional,and it has really effected him. now that he is 19 there’s no where to turn for help. the sad thing is his parents really don’t care. the mother ran around for yrs. and subjected her children to alot of things. the dad was awarded custody of the 2 boy’s and mother has custody of daughter. when the boy’s were in 4th grade the dad decided he would homeschool. you would think that the state or someone would follow up on them,but no one did”like dss” instead at 19 & 18 neither can read or write. they both work hard and are good boy’s but eat up with alot of anger. constantly fighting till now the 19 yr.old has been staying at a truck stop in his truck. he has really burnt his bridges with alot of people who have tried so hard to help him. but, as far as drugs,alcohol he doesn’t do that.”thank the Lord” of course i have run to the rescue for them since day 1. i don’t know what to do or where to turn for help. financially i can’t afford it and i have a family of my own. it just burns me up to think as much as the dept. of S.S. were involved back then and i called so many times to tell them “hey these kids aren’t getting an education” so, i would contact state education dept and i was told there’s no law that states a child has to be on a certain grade level in homeschool. well, i think that’s messed up. now, they have no education because the law for school was never inforced. it just breaks my heart. i am so fed up with their parents.
Why does some people looks a person who undergoes a residential treatment program like a virus? I myself had a son who is in a RTC I’m proud of my son, he changed a lot! We always talk now and have a decent conversation about life and I’ve been touch on his words on how he wanted us to live and being happy. They never realize the accomplishment and achievement that a person made in a Residential Treatment Center.
Wow. I am in awe of how much you all care and share so honestly. My son is in a troubled teen Christian boys boarding school for drug use and running away. Someday he will come home. He has two friends who really miss him. Their parents email and call every once in a while. So at least my son has two real friends. I am learning so much from all of you. THANKS!
Oh, that is just heartbreaking. And I agree, there are plenty of teens out there who have issues just as severe as ours do–sometimes their parents just turn a blind eye to it hoping they will “grow out of it.” I am not religious, but I have heard a bible quote: “Judge not, lest you be judged.” I have not had to deal with this issue yet, as my son is still at his RTC. But he does have a few good friends whose parents know everything and are supportive. These are the kids who urge my son to do the right thing, and I never worry when he is in their company. I work at a continuation high school–believe me, most of those kids could benefit from a stay at an RTC–but since they have not had the opportunity, they have less chance of success than our kids do. Many successful people have had a very troubled youth. It is just sad that the parent who would not give your son a ride is so ignorant…
To both Kare(y)n’s thanks for your comments they mean a lot to me.
I work at an RTC and we see some of those same reactions from people in the community. They assume all our clients are “juvenile delinquents” even though very few of our clients have ever been in trouble with the law. People are scared of what they don’t understand. One of the ways we have been able to combat the stereotypes is with our performing arts program. People in the community who come to see our kids perform are surprised at how “normal” these kids really are. There’s a song in “West Side Story” that really speaks to those of us who work with this group of kids. “Officer Krupke” has the kids singing about how the world judges and labels them. I have bipolar disorder myself and am open about it with my friends. It helps me since they can alert me if my behavior is off and it helps them to see that I am basically like everyone else as long as I take the medication for my medical condition. I have noticed that kids in an RTC enjoy feeling more “normal” since everyone there has a problem. Going back to a traditional home and school situation is tough if they feel like some sort of outcast. I agree that we should be less worried about the kid who has received help for their problems than those who haven’t dealt with their problems at all. I can’t stop being bipolar any more than my dad can stop having cancer. Let’s hope society can become more enlightened.
I think it is fear of what a parent’s own teen might do that leads them to judge another. Also, if a parent has been “blessed” with a particularly compliant teen, they may be inclined to pat themselves on the back and assume it is all their wonderful parenting skills that have led to it.
“There but for the grace of God go I”. I learned a long time ago not to pat myself on the back for the good things about my teens because I honestly don’t want to blame myself for the bad things. Teens are not puppets that we control. Parenting teens is so much harder than parenting younger kids because the stakes are so much higher. It’s not easy and I like to put myself around other parents who have a “we are all in this together” approach rather than those who are self-righteous.
You’ve been and continue to be a very brave parent. I appreciate how you make it about your son and not about you. I learn a lot from you.
kw