This is the post most parents won’t want to read if your teen is ready to discharge from a program like wilderness, residential treatment or if you are getting ready to send your teen away. This is not exactly the outcome one is hoping for and is what we were trying to avoid by sending them to a program. I always hoped that something would be the magic pill or things would be different. As I look back throughout the years I realize we have moved in a very predictable path. First I would like to qualify that my son never really engaged in any program that he was enrolled, from the psych. ward to wilderness to residential treatment. He did become more compliant throughout the process but always told us that he had no plans to stop using. We are always hoping things will be different.
I will have to admit, my son is in a more positive space than he was before he went into treatment and that is good. Some of this is maturity, but I feel he is also behind other teens his age due to the time in treatment. His behaviors are not as self destructive as before treatment and I would do it again if I had to. I think he is also trying to make up for “lost time”. Which I hear is very common among teens that have been in treatment for a long period of time and once they get out. My son did not want any kind of services once he left the RTC. For about 9 months, he had weekly therapy and pretended to go to NA meetings, but that was it.
Fast forward today, this moment, it was a year to the day we brought our son home from treatment that he decided he could not live in our house with our rules. The drug culture was getting overwhelming for me and to have it in my home I felt was a violation of my space and what I believed in. Then when I caught him smoking pot in the house I went over the edge. My husband and I were in disagreement on what we should do, but we finally came up with a contract that we both could live with, or I thought. It was set up on a point system and if so many points were acquired due to violations of the contract then he would not be able to live at home. It was a simple contract, not real detailed but had three basic rules:
- No drugs of any kind allowed in the house.
- No drug worshipping was allowed in the house on apparel, posters …
- No drug paraphernalia allowed in the house.
So much for the contract, he was not going to sign “no f_____ contract”; therefore I guess he did not want to live in our home. He is 18 so he made that choice, he packed his backpack and left in 1 hour. He has been gone for more than 10 days and to my knowledge is now living on the street, under a tree with a group of other teens. No money and no job. Not an easy place to be as a parent but I think we have to let him live his journey the way he wants. I think this next step was almost inevitable. Moving out is one thing, but not having a place to live I would think is not easy.
I am grateful, he text messages us every day that he is safe. He has been home for lunch twice so far, he took a shower, washed his clothes and with a hug proceeded on his way. I am not mad at him, I am worried about him and when he decides he can live by our house rules he is welcome back. I now have a different perspective on what it means to be homeless.
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Beth, you have it right about the contract. They will sign anything and my son did when he left Heritage, but then he turned 18. I remember sitting in the auditorium when they were going over the document with us before discharge. In a Utopian society it is perfect, but that ain’t our house. My program is helping me through this and I know he has a higher power or he would not be with us today. Good luck to you and your family, it is great when they come home. They cannot stay locked up forever and we need to let them fly even if it is the wrong direction.
So sorry to read your post. My son will be graduating and coming home from his RTC next month, and my heart is in my throat. He has big plans for community college and volunteering, but the siren call of drugs and alcohol is always there.
It sounds like your son is answering that call. Just know that you have done everything you possibly can to help him, and a person never gets or stays clean and sober because of a contract. My experience with contracts is that they are meaningless–the kid will sign anything, and then just continue to do whatever they want. Lets hope he gets tired of living under a tree, or gets sick and tired of being sick and tired. But HE has to want it–you know that. Us wanting our kids to be safe and well and productive is not enough. Until they make the decision themselves that they want a different life, nothing we do will make them want it. I know your heart is breaking and you are worried sick. Just know you are in my thoughts and I hope than your son will soon get sick of his “freedom” and make the changes in his life that he needs to make. And Lisa is right–we cannot save them, they can only save themselves IF they want it.
All your thoughts and prayers are really appreciated, if I ever needed them more it is now. I hardly know what to say, except it is comforting to know that you are there. At least when he was in Wilderness or the RTC I knew he was safe, it is not like that now. There is really no right answer when you have to make decisions such as these. Tonight he is having a “sleepover”. He was having lunch with his father and his older brother came to visit; maybe it is an omen. He will be on his third week living under a tree and has not made any comments that he wants to live at home. He is and always has been one of those that has to learn the hard way. God bless him!
It is so difficult to understand why they make the choices they do. I am a firm believer that the more we get in their way and try to “save” them the more harm it can do in putting off their reaching their bottom. My son is living in my backyard and in 3 weeks when he receives his high school diploma he will be on the streets unless he has a job and maintains sobriety. I’m fairly certain this is not going to happen because he just isn’t ready to give up control yet. We have offered to put him up in a sober living home when he decides he wants a warm bed.
I am putting my faith in God and in my son right now. I am trusting that in the end the love and the bond that we have with him will win out and in the mean time I am learning to detach with love and give him the dignity to fail. Some people by nature choose to learn the hard way. My son is one of those people. I have to accept him for who he is and trust that all of the programs that we have supplied him with and all of the tools he has been given will serve him well. I created Save-My-Child.com to help other parents thru this process.
So sorry that you are in this place but I really respect your decision. Stay strong!! I’m sending this comment with a prayer that he will turn to God to fill the hole that drugs fill.
Wow – my thoughts and prayers go to you and your family and for your son’s safety. Our son is still in troubled teen boarding school. He’ll probably be coming home before the end of the year – before he’s 18. He’s immature and has no real direction – but is doing fairly well in the program. However, we can tell he’s not really buying into it 100%. He wants to get out and “come home” – which really means see his friends. Different scenarios play through my head – including the one you are living now. You are doing the right thing and it happens to be one of the hardest as a parent. I picked up a book called Praying For Your Adult Children and am reading at least a page or two each night. It helps me get my head on straight before I fall asleep and hopefully will help beyond that.
My heart just ached for you when I read this because nearly every word is so familiar to me from what we went through with my oldest daughter. Every situation is different but from my experience you are handling things pretty much the way we did and as well as you can. It bothered me so much I called my daughter to see what she thought. She felt that though she doesn’t know why he made his choices or everything he is involved in, that from her experience letting him ‘ live his journey the way he wants ‘ may be the only thing you can do at this point. It is what she did.
I am praying for your peace of mind and his safety.