I'm in the throes of a rather severe disagreement with my husband over our son's experience in a residential program.
My husband wants to make more decisions, like when to visit and how to plan our son's summer, over the objections of the program staff. I want my son to stay there and I want to follow their recommendations, since they have years of experience and good results, and in my opinion they are incredibly wonderful people.
I'm worried that my son will actually be kicked out of this program if the staff feel (as they do) that my husband is interfering too much and sabotaging their methods !!!
What have other parents done in this situation ???
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AnneSeekingSerenity
MemberPosted 1 year ago # -
jerry548
MemberYou and your husband have to agree on the placement and back each other up, other wise you are wasting your money. If your child was placed through AB3632 funds and your child get kicks out due to your husbands interfence you may be legally liable for the monies that the state and school district have spent. You probably need to speak to an attorney, laws are different in every state. Have you tried going to counseling with your husband? It sounds like you and your husband have issues. If you can't resolve this issue your child will not get better. We continue to see the therapist that our child was going to at home to make sure that when she gets home everyone is on the same book.
Posted 1 year ago # -
rtcmom1
MemberIn regards to one parent not agreeing, my feeling is that parents MUST be on the same page, even divorced parents. This I know from experience as my x and I do not agree and it makes it worse for our children. One in RTC, one I wish was in RTC. I am the disciplinarian, he is the one that allows them to do basically what they want. What parent do you think they want to be with. My son's RTC has been doing what they do best, and quite frankly, that is why you have your child there, because the family unit has somehow failed. That is really hard to accept, and know that I am NOT placing blame. No matter what we tried, it still didn't work. Now, 9 months later, using a very wise stand off approach, my son went from failing all his classes to remaining on the honor roll for months, getting all a's and one a-. He is working on HIS issues, and doing quite well. He is responsible for it all, success and failure. If there is any disagreement regarding visit dates, etc., I strongly suggest this is NOT talked about in front of your child, but worked out amongst the adults and his therapist/go to person in RTC. The last thing our children need is to split the parents and take their focus off of their program, no matter where they are. I suggest reading any material that your RTC has available to you. I have a go to person that is wonderful and all the support of the parents too. There is a book, parenting teens with love and logic.
Our children must go through necessary steps in order to have priviledges and the quicker they learn that, the better off they will be, and learn the down side of not doing what they should. I love my son dearly and am so proud of the progress he has made there, but by their rules. THEY say if and when he is eligible for a home visit, and he must work to obtain the proper level for that visit. They have breaks and we mush abide by their schedule, so as to not throw off their school schedule. If your child is there via AB3632, then they had to get some type of approval, as I believe it is about $100,000 a year to send your child there. I am sure that they wouldn't agree to pay that to an institute that didnt have a good success rate. My son is in a downward spiral right now, something he must go through to get better....In your case, I would speak about any disagreements with his therapist, not in front of your child. If your child senses the splitting of you and your husband, it could be a way for him to manipulate things, as my child is master at that, they both are.
I wish you well!!
rtcmom1Posted 1 year ago # -
I've been a staff of a residential treatment facility one thing we are doing is that we educate parents to know and feel that their child is safe with us. Giving them a tour around our facility to know what will it be dealing with us. Explaining everything that they needed to know to be confident of we are capable of giving them the right treatment suitable for them.
Camille Jude
Residential Treatment CaliforniaPosted 1 year ago # -
admin
Key MasterInterestingly this is where my husband and I are today. My son had his high school graduation today, I am very proud of him, but it does not come without new obstacles. He still continues to abuse substances and I will not tolerate them in my house. My feeling is if you cannot follow our house rules you cannot live here. My husband is besides himself and thinks I am kicking him out.
I am not kicking him out, I am giving him the opportunity to live the life he wants to live without me telling him what to do. Obviously my husband and i are not on the same page and my son knows it. We are now working at coming to an agreement, I am hoping in the next couple of weeks to come up with an at home contract that both my husband and I can present as a unified couple. But the contract means nothing unless we stick to it.
I thought when my kids graduated from high school I would be done! I feel like this is the real parenting challenge.
Posted 1 year ago # -
My husband and I have struggled with being on and off the same page for years. I practice Al-anon and tough love and he lets his heart guide his head. It's such a difficult situation. I wish I could let my actions follow my heart but I would spend every moment giving my son what he wants instead of what he needs because it's easier and feels nicer to me. I feel terrible most days for having to do what will NOT enable my son and what will make his life more uncomforable so he will hit his bottom and begin the journey back to us. Loving an addict is the hardest thing in the world and when it's your child it is beyond painful. You second guess what the right thing to do is all the time. Especially in our case where our child is already 18 yrs. old and our control is limited. I cannot stress enough that parents get their own support and get it together. I personally love al-anon. Take time out as a couple to spend with each other and DON'T talk about problems.
Fathers do seem to be co-dependent and less willing to take a stand and follow thru. I think every major decision made for our son was made by me because I put my foot down. We have been to counseling together to learn to parent more effectively. This did help alot and we still draw on those skills. To learn more about our family story and what we have learned over the last 7 years please visit my website Save-My-Child.com Pulling from the experience of other parents who have been through tough times and are making it can help. We have been married 21 years and have figured out how to keep US alive.Lisa
Posted 1 year ago # -
coombskb
MemberFor the child to have the most success and the best opportunity to change I think is by putting them in a program that gets them away from their daily routine, and sometimes that means away from parents. You need to let the staff do their job and try and help your kids. if they have visiting days that is great but listen to the staff, and find a program that your comfortable with.
Posted 1 year ago #
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