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Parent 2 Parent Forum | Troubled Teen Blog » General

at wits' end and need refs for wildnerness or boarding schools

8 posts from 7 voices
  • Started 1 year ago by mrod
  • Latest reply from Cliff Stockton

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  1. mrod
    Member

    I am writing to get help with my 16 yr old daughter because her mother and I have observed en escalation in her negative behavior. She resists basic family rules and expectations. She has had a drop in school grades and is verbally abusive. She associates with a negative peer group and has lost interest in former productive activities, such as hobbies and sports. It is difficult to get our daughter to do simple household chores or homework without a major fight and she has displayed violent behavior. She has been manipulative and deceitful as well as seems to lack motivation. We have noted that she has taken things (including money) from brother and us without asking. She seems to lack self-esteem and has had problems with authority. It seems that no matter what rules and consequences are established, she defies them often leaving us to feel powerless. We have had her in counseling over the past several yrs and twice a week counseling over the past several months but the situation is getting worse. She has begun experimenting with drugs and/or alcohol and we are concerned that she may be sexually promiscuous.

    We are concerned about her safety and about the negative impact of her behavior on her younger brother and sister. We want to find out about our options including wilderness schools and boarding schools for teens with these problems.

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    Posted 1 year ago #
  2. Adem
    Member

    Hi mrod,
    I know it's been about a month since you posted but I was wondering how your search has gone? There are so many possibilities out there it boggles the mind. There are people who can help, however. They're called "Therapeutic Consultants" and their job is to work with families to identify what courses of action might be the best fit for a struggling youth and their family, given their unique set of circumstances.

    Therapeutic consultants independently audit therapeutic programs, schools, and services. They generally hold advanced degrees in mental health and make fantastic liaisons between the therapeutic treatment team. The easiest way to get started is to give one a call, the initial phone conversation is generally free.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  3. gingerpie
    Member

    Hi, I'm sorry that you're going through a tough time with your daughter. Defiance is a very common behavior in most teens, and probably worse in some. Typical teenagers are trying to establish independence and while establishing independence is a good thing, being defiant is most definitely not an acceptable behavior. Considering a wilderness camp or a boarding school for your daughter is not wrong but first you have to consider some factors before you do so. First and foremost, I'm sure such programs are not free, so you have to consider the cost and the things you should know about these programs.

    Lastly, you should think about it a hundred times and consider the risk of your daughter hating you more for sending her away. Think about how to break it up to her properly if your decision is really final. Make her feel that she's still very important to you and always make sure that you follow-up on her progress. I hope all goes well for your family mrod. I'll be praying for you.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  4. Outward Bound
    Member

    Check out Outward Bound Intercept Programs for teens. You can apply for scholarships and the program really does work.

    http://www.outwardbound.org/course-finder/intercept/?view=1&where%5B%5D=10&when-start=&when-end=

    Posted 1 year ago #
  5. rlugbill
    Member

    Sorry to hear about the problems you are having with your daughter. Sounds like a difficult situation for your family.

    There are good, inexpensive solutions that could help your daughter. You don't need to pay a lot of money for a wilderness camp or boarding school, in fact they are often ineffective. The problem is that 1. your teen may feel rejected by you sending her away and 2. she might have even worse peers since it's normally all troubled teens at the wilderness camps and boarding schools for troubled teens.

    There are proven solutions that you can do while she is living with you that can help. First, you need to do an evaluation to determine what factors are precipitating the behavior, then implement some steps to correct those factors.

    Most important factors in delinquent behavior include:

    - anti-social personality
    - anti-social peers
    - substance abuse
    - family issues
    - impulse control issues (impulsivity)
    - low educational achievement

    Few people know about the research in this area and the types of interventions that have been shown to be successful in addressing these factors.

    If you would like more info., you can e-mail me at rlugbill@dnet.net.

    Posted 11 months ago #
  6. Notgivingup
    Member

    Your daughter is going to connect with 'these type of people' whether you send her away or not. She has to learn how to be a productive member of the community. We have had similar problems and it sounds like she is already abusing drugs...That is the real fight...I looked into sending our son away at several different spots and we decided that we would not do that. Our son has to (at some point) learn how to be in the community. We could sell our house, you could mortgage yours, and move, in the hopes it would help (in some cases, yes, of course...very few though) otherwise ..bottom line..as much as we don't like it, they have to make their own bones & bed and lay in it.We absolutely cannot afford to send him to a school that can't make him do what he doesn't want to. Your daughter is not a baby anymore, and at some point you have to let go and let her make her own choices and pay the consequences. You have to decide what you are willing to have in YOUR home!! If she doesn't like it.....(it won't be easy).......Good Luck! Our children will always need us!

    Posted 10 months ago #
  7. Notgivingup
    Member

    TAKE BACK THE POWER!! It is your home, you CAN decide what you will tolerate! If she chooses out then....you can still help. Let her; but when the time comes, (and it will, usually) then rules are rules. If she is really abusing there is always PCHAD. We can only increase our influence. (Or try to anyway)

    Posted 10 months ago #
  8. Cliff Stockton
    Member

    Stepping into this topic is like trying to drink water from a fire hose. Take a breath. As a program director for a wilderness program for 14 years I have seen how impulsive decision can have some blowback, unintended consequences. I am not an Educational Consultant, nor am I affliated with any program. But have a lot of experiences, good and bad, with parents who are struggling with this. I think about how scary it is to think of sending your child to someplace where you hope they will get better, but have no direct knowledge. Drop me a line if you want to chat about my experiences. cliff@cliffstockton.com

    Posted 8 months ago #

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