http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/ a safe place for families with teens en-US Sun, 01 Aug 2010 06:45:44 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/search.php http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/topic/when-parents-dont-agree#post-17 Sat, 19 Jun 2010 18:03:01 +0000 savech123 17@http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/ <p>My husband and I have struggled with being on and off the same page for years. I practice Al-anon and tough love and he lets his heart guide his head. It's such a difficult situation. I wish I could let my actions follow my heart but I would spend every moment giving my son what he wants instead of what he needs because it's easier and feels nicer to me. I feel terrible most days for having to do what will NOT enable my son and what will make his life more uncomforable so he will hit his bottom and begin the journey back to us. Loving an addict is the hardest thing in the world and when it's your child it is beyond painful. You second guess what the right thing to do is all the time. Especially in our case where our child is already 18 yrs. old and our control is limited. I cannot stress enough that parents get their own support and get it together. I personally love al-anon. Take time out as a couple to spend with each other and DON'T talk about problems.<br /> Fathers do seem to be co-dependent and less willing to take a stand and follow thru. I think every major decision made for our son was made by me because I put my foot down. We have been to counseling together to learn to parent more effectively. This did help alot and we still draw on those skills. To learn more about our family story and what we have learned over the last 7 years please visit my website Save-My-Child.com Pulling from the experience of other parents who have been through tough times and are making it can help. We have been married 21 years and have figured out how to keep US alive.</p> <p>Lisa </p> http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/topic/when-parents-dont-agree#post-16 Fri, 11 Jun 2010 19:31:33 +0000 admin 16@http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/ <p>Interestingly this is where my husband and I are today. My son had his high school graduation today, I am very proud of him, but it does not come without new obstacles. He still continues to abuse substances and I will not tolerate them in my house. My feeling is if you cannot follow our house rules you cannot live here. My husband is besides himself and thinks I am kicking him out. </p> <p>I am not kicking him out, I am giving him the opportunity to live the life he wants to live without me telling him what to do. Obviously my husband and i are not on the same page and my son knows it. We are now working at coming to an agreement, I am hoping in the next couple of weeks to come up with an at home contract that both my husband and I can present as a unified couple. But the contract means nothing unless we stick to it. </p> <p>I thought when my kids graduated from high school I would be done! I feel like this is the real parenting challenge. </p> http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/topic/gateway-academy#post-15 Wed, 02 Jun 2010 04:52:18 +0000 StrugglingParent 15@http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/ <p>The end of our saga with Gateway Academy in Utah is that we asked if we could get a partial refund to a) make up for costs incurred from having to fly out on a moments notice cross country to find a new place for him to got to (recall that Gateway Academy abandoned him in a hospital psych ward); and b) because of the therapeutic set back caused by their kicking him out. Clearly this is a big one as he learned a very bad lesson at Gateway - If I act up enough they will kick me out. Well...the end of the story is that they took zero responsibility for anything and had no sympathy for our situation and offered us no refund at all.</p> <p>I'm sure all of the parents can appreciate the financial (not to mention emotional) sacrifice we make in sending our kids to these private very expensive RTC's. The fact that they have no sympathy for our situation even though their actions have cost us additional money above and beyond their normal high fees amazed me. In his new facility our son has started out by acting up to follow his Gateway Academy game plan since it worked so well the first time. I am sure that this setback will cost him a couple of extra months of pain and a couple extra months for us of tuition as he figures out that he isn't in Gateway anymore and that he is in a place that won't give up on him and will keep him</p> <p>The bottom line for me is that I find it unbelievable that after a place has clearly made some big mistake, whether on purpose or not, that they fail to take any responsibility for those mistakes. In my business, if I make a mistake, I bend over backwards to make my customers happy because my reputation is very important to me. Gateway Academy appears to only care about the current balance in their bank account and not their reputation and certainly not the well being of the kids they decide to eject. </p> http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/topic/gateway-academy#post-14 Tue, 25 May 2010 11:10:48 +0000 StrugglingParent 14@http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/ <p>Sorry - in the post above I meant that our son has BPD (Borderline) traits, not DBT. Too many acronyms! </p> http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/topic/gateway-academy#post-13 Tue, 25 May 2010 08:46:03 +0000 StrugglingParent 13@http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/ <p>For those looking at GateWay Academy in Utah (Salt Lake / Draper)....our story. We took our son to Gateway Academy after a wilderness program and they kicked him out 10 weeks later. </p> <p>Let's start at the beginning. We visited Gateway and were impressed with the home style atmosphere but were concerned that they couldn't handle our son who has DBT traits - anger management issues in particular. We fully described his behavior to them and they assured us they could handle him. Ten weeks later they kicked him out saying that they didn't think he would still act the same way after ten weeks. His behavior was in line with the expectations we gave them but we didn't know that he was on a ten week trial period and if they had articulated this we wouldn't have admitted him there as we wouldn't thing that 14 years of behavior would magically change in 10 weeks. </p> <p>The story gets worse though based on how they kicked our son out of the program. Our son had a bad episode and we received a call (we live across the country) that he was taken to the emergency room for admittance to the psych ward and that he wasn't welcome back at Gateway so we needed to make other arrangements. We don't necessarily question the decision to take him to the psych ward although he de-escalated immediately and was a model patient at the psych ward. Our son stayed their for a week as we scrambled to find alternatives, flew out to Utah and visited some facilities and then were able to transfer him. Gateway completely abandoned him and us. They didn't offer us any help in finding alternatives and they didn't even bother to bring our son his glasses or a change of clothes so he wore the same clothes for a week. I could give more detail but suffice to say they completely abandoned him/us after they decided to kick him out and couldn't charge us anymore. Perhaps this is cynical but they admitted our son when they had a lot of open beds and kicked him out when they were not a lot of open beds.</p> <p>There are some good caring people at Gateway Academy but the management team certainly wasn't in this situation. I wouldn't recommend Gateway Academy for anyone with a son with significant behavioral issues as I don't know if they could handle this - even though they might say the can. </p> http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/topic/when-parents-dont-agree#post-12 Thu, 18 Mar 2010 21:34:29 +0000 camille111 12@http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/ <p>I've been a staff of a residential treatment facility one thing we are doing is that we educate parents to know and feel that their child is safe with us. Giving them a tour around our facility to know what will it be dealing with us. Explaining everything that they needed to know to be confident of we are capable of giving them the right treatment suitable for them.</p> <p>Camille Jude<br /> <a href='http://www.residentialtreatment411.com/residential-treatment-centers/california-residential-treatment.html'>Residential Treatment California</a> </p> http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/topic/when-parents-dont-agree#post-11 Thu, 25 Feb 2010 13:43:51 +0000 rtcmom1 11@http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/ <p>In regards to one parent not agreeing, my feeling is that parents MUST be on the same page, even divorced parents. This I know from experience as my x and I do not agree and it makes it worse for our children. One in RTC, one I wish was in RTC. I am the disciplinarian, he is the one that allows them to do basically what they want. What parent do you think they want to be with. My son's RTC has been doing what they do best, and quite frankly, that is why you have your child there, because the family unit has somehow failed. That is really hard to accept, and know that I am NOT placing blame. No matter what we tried, it still didn't work. Now, 9 months later, using a very wise stand off approach, my son went from failing all his classes to remaining on the honor roll for months, getting all a's and one a-. He is working on HIS issues, and doing quite well. He is responsible for it all, success and failure. If there is any disagreement regarding visit dates, etc., I strongly suggest this is NOT talked about in front of your child, but worked out amongst the adults and his therapist/go to person in RTC. The last thing our children need is to split the parents and take their focus off of their program, no matter where they are. I suggest reading any material that your RTC has available to you. I have a go to person that is wonderful and all the support of the parents too. There is a book, parenting teens with love and logic.<br /> Our children must go through necessary steps in order to have priviledges and the quicker they learn that, the better off they will be, and learn the down side of not doing what they should. I love my son dearly and am so proud of the progress he has made there, but by their rules. THEY say if and when he is eligible for a home visit, and he must work to obtain the proper level for that visit. They have breaks and we mush abide by their schedule, so as to not throw off their school schedule. If your child is there via AB3632, then they had to get some type of approval, as I believe it is about $100,000 a year to send your child there. I am sure that they wouldn't agree to pay that to an institute that didnt have a good success rate. My son is in a downward spiral right now, something he must go through to get better....</p> <p>In your case, I would speak about any disagreements with his therapist, not in front of your child. If your child senses the splitting of you and your husband, it could be a way for him to manipulate things, as my child is master at that, they both are.<br /> I wish you well!!<br /> rtcmom1 </p> http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/topic/when-parents-dont-agree#post-10 Mon, 22 Feb 2010 10:27:29 +0000 jerry548 10@http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/ <p>You and your husband have to agree on the placement and back each other up, other wise you are wasting your money. If your child was placed through AB3632 funds and your child get kicks out due to your husbands interfence you may be legally liable for the monies that the state and school district have spent. You probably need to speak to an attorney, laws are different in every state. Have you tried going to counseling with your husband? It sounds like you and your husband have issues. If you can't resolve this issue your child will not get better. We continue to see the therapist that our child was going to at home to make sure that when she gets home everyone is on the same book. </p> http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/topic/when-parents-dont-agree#post-9 Sun, 21 Feb 2010 06:47:04 +0000 AnneSeekingSerenity 9@http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/ <p>I'm in the throes of a rather severe disagreement with my husband over our son's experience in a residential program.<br /> My husband wants to make more decisions, like when to visit and how to plan our son's summer, over the objections of the program staff. I want my son to stay there and I want to follow their recommendations, since they have years of experience and good results, and in my opinion they are incredibly wonderful people.<br /> I'm worried that my son will actually be kicked out of this program if the staff feel (as they do) that my husband is interfering too much and sabotaging their methods !!!<br /> What have other parents done in this situation ??? </p> http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/topic/lies#post-8 Tue, 16 Feb 2010 20:59:18 +0000 Lincoln Lee 8@http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/ <p>Yesterday morning, I noticed my headset from my iPod was missing. I didn't trip, for my son occasionally "takes" my belongings without asking. I almost always confront the issue...sometimes there's an understanding between us, but other times the situation needlessly escalates into a shouting match.</p> <p>Well, I decided not to readily confront the issue, but later found the headset next to the computer. Needless to say, I took the headset and returned it to my room. This morning as he was heading out the door for school, he asked where “his” headset was. I told him they were mine, but he insisted he just purchased it yesterday. When I asked if he knew how my headset suddenly and mysteriously disappeared…he said my headset was broken and does not looking anything like his. He was 100% convincing…but not to me because we’ve been down this road before.</p> <p>I just purchased mine one week ago, only wear them at night, and they are in perfect condition. The pair I found next to the computer is exactly like mine…the same color, the same ear buds…exactly. Knowing he was not going to get his way because I was not going to give in, he proceed to tell me to shut up and started cursing…</p> <p>He is 15, not deprived (…rather he feels a sense of entitlement) and is a strong willed kid. But…why lie?? He was so angry at me that I started to doubt myself…but I know…he was lying. Did he think I was stupid…or I did not care…or that he’s entitled to it (by whatever means necessary)?</p> <p>I’m hoping this is just a phase…and not the beginning of something bigger. </p> http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/topic/holidays-are-over#post-7 Fri, 01 Jan 2010 17:41:55 +0000 admin 7@http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/ <p>We made it through another holiday. I don't know why I fear New Year's Eve, but I am glad that both my teens were home. We did not make them stay home, but it just ended up that way. What parent in their right mind would host a party of teens for NYE. I know I would not. Basically they can get in trouble any time, but New Years Eve just has trouble written all over it. </p> <p>How were your holidays? </p> http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/topic/welcome-to-troubled-teen-blog-forum-new-for-2010#post-6 Fri, 01 Jan 2010 16:54:20 +0000 admin 6@http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/ <p>Troubled Teen Blog is excited to finally have a forum where families struggling with teen issues may have a safe place to support each other. My intent is to provide a safe and support place where parents will have the opportunity to post what is on their mind, share experiences both good and bad so that we may learn from each other. It has been said that it takes a village to raise our children and when they become teens sometimes we need to go outside our village for support.</p> <p><strong>Rules of the forum</strong></p> <p>The forum will be moderated, if anyone that I feel is not being supportive or uses profane language will be banned from using this forum. Anyone that I think may be posing as someone they are not will also banned from the forum. If you are banned you may petition to be added back into the community. See the contact page for information on how you may contact us. If anyone in the community is offended by a user please contact us and specify which post and user you are concerned about. You must log into the forum to post a comment.</p> <p><strong>I welcome you to the forum,</strong> like I said earlier I am so excited to be able to offer this service it is something I have wanted to do for a long time. This is your place and I hope you will come back often. I know this will take time to get started and much trial and error, but together we can make this a wonderful community. </p> http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/topic/happy-new-year#post-5 Fri, 01 Jan 2010 06:58:26 +0000 Ronald 5@http://www.troubledteenblog.com/forum/ <p>Just wanted to say hello to all the parents that have put 2009 behind us. I know that will all we learned last year it will help with whatever comes up in 2010. By the way, I just read we should say it as "twenty ten", not "two thousand ten" </p>