In America parents have been criticized for hovering over their children watching every single move. Not letting them make decisions on their own or learning from mistakes. We know of them and read about them in parenting books as “helicopter parents”; I think many of us have been guilty at one time or another.
In Italy there is a segment of the parent population that is doing the same thing, and I think it has been going on for generations. I am from Italian descent and have watched my father, an over 85 year old man, and the effect his mother has had on him. He glorifies his mother and still cries over her death. My mother (who is no longer alive) told me that every weekend they would drive over 60 miles to be with his mother, until he finally moved closer. I have often wondered where this comes from and the observation has lived with me for years watching my Italian relatives interact. This may be where I become overly worried and anxiety ridden over my kids and their future. Am I worried for them or am I worried for me? Or is it a nuturing instinct that never dies?
When I read this story on Time.com about Italian men I was not surprised:
“A disproportionate number of Italian men enter their 30s — and in some cases their 40s — still completely reliant on their mothers to do their cleaning, cook their meals, iron their clothes and keep a roof over their heads. According to a survey published last year in Psychology Today, a full 37% of men from the ages of 30 to 34 still live with their mothers in Italy.”
Now a court has been asked to consider whether a mother’s love for her son could be considered a form of child abuse? This is very extreme but the story also states:
“According to the evidence presented by prosecutors, Luca (the little boy) was not allowed to play with other children, go to church, participate in sports or leave the house before or after school. The boy’s teachers said he was sent to school with his snacks already cut into bite-size portions for him. Investigators say the teachers noticed that he was both physically and psychologically stunted from such around-the-clock doting. “He didn’t know how to run. He had the motor skills of a 3-year-old child,” Andrew Marzola, the lawyer representing the boy, told the Milan newspaper Corriere della Sera.”
Just the other day a friend of mine was asked to care for a 2 yr. old while the mother was in the hospital giving birth. The mother sent my friend an email with a five page document on how to put her son to bed while she was away. It seems to me for one night the kid could wing it! But then maybe the mother was thinking more about the caregiver… I guess whatever works. Who am I to judge?
These may be the roots or our actions, as my father would say “from the old country”. We know that parents who hover are not limited only to Italy and that modern society is producing ever more over informed, overanxious and overprotective parents, blamed for causing or exacerbating all sorts of problems in their children, from learning disabilities to teenage anorexia. Could I have been the cause of my sons problems? So much depends on the parents.
Here is the link to the Times.com article In Italy, a Mamma Accused of Doting Too Much
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Hmmm…yes, parents are very important and how we interact with our child does help to determine their development, but I have learned quite plainly that children bring alot to the table in their own personalities. I also have seen that those personalities are present at birth in many ways. It is a nature AND nurture thing not one or the other. Balance is certainly a good word for parenting and letting go as they age is necessary.