D. Mittman is a guest blogger and parent that graciously has offered to share his knowledge, experience and insight as a father with adopted teens. This is the second of a three part post series.
Part One: Adoption and the Troubled Teen
Part Two: Families With Adopted Teens May Feel A Loss
Part Three: Issues To Address For Families With Adopted Teens
More Adoption Questions
From what I have seen and experienced, most adoptive parents truly love their children. Many spoil them unknowingly as we treat them as gifts from God and try never to take them for granted. In the same vein, many adopted children love their parents and know that speaking about questions or feelings they have about adoption causes pain to their parents. Would it be a pleasant conversation if your child asked to meet their biological mother? Would you feel threatened? How about asking to see their pictures, or if they were pretty or handsome? How about if their biological parents were artists or singers or good ball players? All great questions and all questions that most biological children realize the answers to as they are growing up. Adopted children do not have that luxury. Even knowing all the love that exists between you and your child, what effect does being “the prince or the princess who lifted their family from the dark clouds of infertility” bring with it? Is it too much to bear? Do you have to be perfect to repay the love of your birthparents? What if you are not perfect, will they “give you away”? What does the weight of the many questions that adopted kids may have about themselves that no one can answer except their biological mother do to the children that carry those questions around?
As you see, adoption is a bit more complex than we thought. Is it all dark, not at all. Our families are wonderful. Our families are there for each other. In most cases it seems these things work themselves out, but the questions need to be asked, and recognized. We have to realize that all of us are a part of the problem and for many of us we did nothing to cause this other than to love each other. Another complicating factor is that for troubled teens adoption may be a significant issue they feel powerless about.
What happens when one has no power to change the situation? They get angry, they do things to gain control, even if the things they do are not the best things for them at the time. Chances are your child has been doing some of these things or you would not be reading this.
Adolescents who have been adopted experience the same problems that other teens do, with the addition of the following themes:
- Increased issues with trust.
- Increased fear of abandonment.
- Increased fear of rejection.
- “I hate you”, Don’t leave me syndrome.
- Developing strategies which work best at pushing people away.
- A profound feeling of loss.
- Tendency to act out problems.
- Tendency to be provocative, impulsive, anti-social or aggressive.
- More likely to resist treatment by checking out, running away.
Where Do We Go From Here?
First, find a good therapist who knows and understands the complex issues of adoption. You can Google adoption therapists or start here:
Infertility and Adoption Counseling Center
Hunter College School of Social Work, Program in Adoption Therapy
Ask other therapists in your area if they know of any that work with adopted kids.
You can also try to make adoption “talkable”. Let your child know that you realize that there may be some things that they need to talk about concerning adoption. That it’s not just about reading “Where Did I Come From” and that all the feelings go away. Make an attempt not to take their feelings personally. Realize they are teens and the definition of being a teen includes mood swings, finding and defining yourself and thinking your parents know much less than they really do.
Tomorrow is part three, Issues To Address For Families With Adopted Teens
Part One: Adoption and the Troubled Teen
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