D. Mittman is a guest blogger and parent that graciously has offered to share his knowledge, experience and insight as a father with adopted teens. This is the third of a three part post series.
Part One: Adoption and the Troubled Teen
Part Two: Families With Adopted Teens May Feel A Loss
Part Three: Issues To Address For Families With Adopted Teens
Adoption Issues For You and Your Therapist to Consider
Here are some things you may want to bring along on your journey. They were included in an adoption workshop we did and they opened our eyes. They may get you to do some significant thinking also.
Issues Which May Need To Be Addressed In Treatment
- Age at adoption.
- Life experience prior to adoption.
- How adoptive parents made the decision to adopt.
- Feelings of adoptive parents who seek help for their child.
- Feelings of the adoptive parents regarding searching for the biological parents.
- The pros and cons for all involved that searching will bring up.
- Guilt of adoptive parents about having adopted someone else’s child.
- Guilt of adoptive parents about not being “good enough” parents.
What Therapists Need To Know About Working With Adoptees
- We have a second chance.
- We have a problem with rejection and abandonment
- We push people away.
- We might feel an emptiness that won’t go away.
- We have questions about our biological parents.
- We will use our adoption against our parents.
- We will use our adoption as an excuse for what we do.
- Sometimes we think we don’t love our adoptive parents.
- Sometimes we feel we love our adoptive parents much.
- We are lucky to be chosen to be in our families.
- We don’t like to think about being adopted.
- We fear our adoptive parents will leave us.
- We feel different, we stand out.
- We think we have more problems than other kids.
- We are lucky to have more than one family.
- We are sensitive about being adopted.
- Comments about not being a “real” son or daughter hurt us.
- We have trouble trusting.
Some Assignment Ideas For Therapists
- What are the positives and negatives about being adopted?
- What do you think life would be like with or without your adoptive parents?
- If you could tell your biological parents one thing, what would it be?
- What does being adopted mean to you?
- If there was one thing you would want your adoptive parents to know, what would it be and why?
- What’s the most difficult thing about being adopted?
- Write a letter to your birthmother or father.
- Write a letter to YOURSELF from your birthparents.
- Are your feelings different for your adoptive parents because they are not your biological parents or are they just your parents?
- If you were to contact your biological parents, what would you say?
- Why did your adoptive parents adopt you?
If your child is already in an RTC or Therapeutic Boarding School, ask their therapist whether joining an adoption group would help your child. Getting with other children their own age that are wrestling with the same problems they are can make their quest for self realization much less lonely.
In the End
There are two things to also consider. One is that they will mature and their adoption issues will change. That it will not always be this way and that they generally and hopefully with the work they have done and some family work as well, grow from their teen years. The experience can be one of growth for the entire family. One thing the family may elect to do is have your teen contact their biological family. At many schools and RTCs this is encouraged if the therapists think it will be a positive experience for the teen or young adult. A letter, a phone call or a visit with their biological family or even to the area they were born in, are often considered. Again as stated earlier, it seems that there are few studies to know how often this works out for all concerned but anecdotally it does in many cases. Something to consider if the child or young adult wants to and the therapy team agrees.If you are reading this, you have just begun a journey. As parents realize you have rights that your child must respect. Those rights and wishes also need to be discussed. Most of this situation is no one’s fault and the family needs to learn how to work whatever the problems are out in a healthy way. Just make sure you see progress after a time and if you feel there is not, speak to your therapist. Again, it cannot be said often enough, the process will usually work.
Good luck in your journey.
Addtional Links and Adoption Resources:
Tapestry Books, Educated Adoption Choices Recommended book “Being Adopted”.
Love and Logic
North American Council on Adoptable Children
adoption.com
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