We all have our own personal limits and boundaries; what we accept, how we will do something, or who we will associate to name a few. Limits and boundaries most recently are playing a big role in my life as my kids get older. My last post is based around following the house rules, setting limits and boundaries, and as a parent taking control of our own lives. This past week I have had a tough time accepting others limits and boundaries and how my limits may affect other people in our home.
For example my husband and I have very different limits and boundaries and at the same time it is important for both of us to honor each others feelings. This holds true not only raising our teens but in other aspects of our life such as cleanliness. I live in a house full of boys, I am the only girl (women). What they think is clean and I think is clean is worlds apart. For me to live in this house and be sane it must be somewhat picked up and cleaned. Everyone seems to “put up” with me on this point and I have to let go at the same time, this is one difference in limits and boundaries. I remember being in a group therapy session with parents of troubled teens, and the facilitators / therapists were discussing when our kids discharged from the RTC how we, the parents, needed to keep the structure once they returned home and giving us tips on how to do it. One example was for them to be held accountable to make their own beds in the morning, a pretty simple task. One parents comment was, “I don’t even make my own bed in the morning let a lone setting the rule for my son”. This is another good example of differences in setting limits and boundaries. It comes down to what you can live with and what you cannot. There really is no right or wrong answer.
Now our teens turn the magic age of 18 and as parents we no longer are in the drivers seat when it comes to making fundamental decisions. If they don’t like what we offer, they can walk out the door and there is nothing we can do about it. No longer is it child abuse because they are now adults. This is something I am struggling with, differences in limits and boundaries and what I can live with. This is where I need your help and would love to hear how other families handle these issues especially those with teens over 18. I also have a 16 year old living at home and would like to hear from those with teens under 18.
Help me, what are your limits and boundaries with your teens? If you live in a two parent household, do both parents always agree on the same limits and boundaries? If you don’t agree how do you handle it? Any other advice would be appreciated.
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My oldest began disappearing at 14 and blew us off because she knew we had to take care of her. When she turned 18 she knew we could tell her to leave and that didn’t sound so fun. By that age she had mostly become respectful in our house of how we felt.
This is a hard and ongoing ever changing thing. I have had to adjust my expectations many times and have learned to try and look at each situation and child too, independently. I was truly surprised with my oldest that even though I had set standards that were clear, they simply weren’t being accepted. I have sometimes had to let go of small things that make my life easier or more enjoyable because larger issues required my focus and energy. With the kids who are not having as serious an issue it might be like-Example: I might let their rooms stay a mess for awhile if they are finishing other chores in the house that I have to look at, like dishes. Then there is underhanded ingenuity. I hate it when the kids wear all black. I do not believe in the theory that you should allow them to express themselves in this. For my kids we have found it to be a negative sign of a negative attitude and negative friends and we found it does lead to a downward turn in Our teens. With the first we allowed it at first then decided that was a mistake and then said None of it. That was a mistake too. This is how I kept it from being an issue of rebellion in the 2cd two. All of my kids have attempted that faze and I have the money. I refused to purchase more than 2 or 3 black items. Then I would leave them at the bottom of the dirty laundry through a couple of loads before I gave them back so they couldn’t wear them exclusively: )
We do not always agree. It used to cause arguments. Now we try to agree on a basic guideline of compromise and try to talk it through when we disagree instead of being angry. It doesn’t always work. But we try.