Lessons for Parents: Responding to Bad Grades
I receive an email today from the Insider’s Club of the Love and Logic Institute. Sometimes I read them but most of the time they go in my trash, but today’s subject really spoke to me, “Responding to Bad Grades”. We have an ongoing battle in our house with my 16 year old son, his grades are atrocious. Last year, I think he flunked two classes and I made him go to summer school hoping that it would teach him a lesson not to flunk classes. This year has been somewhat better, meaning no F’s, but we are not talking high C’s either. I have noticed a pattern and the last few months of the school year is when his grades really drop. He is getting burned out and is usually so far behind he can’t get caught up.
Last night he came into the house late, around 7:00 pm, after being out with friends. I was furious because even though the teacher may not assign homework if he is not doing well in a class that means he should be reviewing, tutoring or studying what he does not know. He doesn’t get that. I managed to go into a rage, talking about responsibility and his low grades, I think you get the picture. Of course that accomplished nothing, he got mad and I got mad. That is why this email really was perfect timing. Below is a cut and paste from Dr. Charles Fay. Great advise and I wish I was better at it.
“Because there is so much at stake – and because we often feel like our children’s grades reflect on our parental abilities – it’s tough to stay calm and collected when our youngsters earn bad ones. Another factor making this subject so emotion-laden is its complexity. I’ve come to believe that the art and science of motivating children to do well in school is one of the most complicated and challenging known to humankind.
Fortunately, there are a handful of relatively simple and very powerful truths regarding this topic:
- When anger and frustration are present, motivation goes down.
Experiment with saying, “I love you, and I bet these grades are really disappointing. Let me know how I can help.”- When control battles erupt, learning stops.
This is why it’s so important to say, “I will love you regardless of how happy or sad you make your own life. You need to decide what type of life to make for yourself.”- We can’t make another person learn and achieve.
All we can do is be good role models and provide help when they are interested.- Positive relationships are highly motivating.
When kids feel loved, they are always more likely to do well in school.- Character serves as the foundation for success.
Without good values and morals, kids will never reach their potential.
Number 5 really speaks the truth about building a true foundation for success. Later that evening I had gone to bed, my son came into the bedroom, started telling me about the book his English teacher had assigned for the class to read and that he was enjoying it. He brought it in, showed it to me and we had a nice conversation about the book. Reading books for pleasure is new for him, in the past he would always tell me how he could not read books. But lately he has taken a liking to fiction, has finished two books and now talks about other books he wants to read. He also has one class he will actually go the extra mile so that he can participate in field trips and projects. This is proof he can do it when he wants to.
My lesson is to back off, let him find his way, let him know I love him and my concerns . For some reason there is a voice that tells me if I am not “strict” that I have failed as a parent.
Since I quoted Dr. Charles Fay, I will give him a plug for his Love and Logic® Webinar Techniques for Helping Underachieving Kids Fall In Love with Learning. Maybe I should listen to the two one hour sessions on April 6 and 8 from 7-8:00 pm MDT.
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I mentor a high school girl. I just learned that’s she’s failing almost all her classes. I wondered if I needed to be more critical or try to scare her into bringing up her grades but after reading this post, I realize that what I need to do is to tell her that I really care about her and want her to make the most of her mind and her gifts and just let her know I’m here when she’s ready to talk or ask for help. Her mom is the screamer and I know they’re going through a really bad time now. I’ll try and be the calm in the midst of the storm that is her life.
Good article, here are some particulars…Raising Good Kids in Tough Times
By Dr. Roger McIntire
Homework Strategies, Test Tips, and Middle School Shock
When homework and study never seeme to help and every test produces panic.
Why Homework?
If you wanted to improve your golf, you would probably arrange time to practice at the practice tees. If you wanted to learn a piano solo, you know practice would be required. When it comes to schoolwork, let your student know how much practice counts.
The first step for your student is to take out her notebook and pen every time she takes out her homework. As she works, she should jot down notes with pictures, graphs and new ways of organizing facts in the work. Kristen’s rule for practice should be, “Never turn a page without writing something.” I never had a student fail who had study and reading notes.
Making up tests is also a good homework activity for your student. My students reported that half of their questions matched the ones on the exam—no surprises there.
Testing Tips
Good test strategies are no substitute for preparation and practice, but after studying hard and using the good homework habits described above, your student’s approach to testing can make a difference. Follow these strategies for better test grades.
In school and even in job-hunting, the tests are usually objective. The choices are worked out in advance in a multiple choice or true-false format. When taking these tests, the first important rule is to answer every question, even if it means guessing. Although wild guessing is a waste of valuable time and some teachers use a formula that penalizes guessing, these procedures only penalize random wild guessing. Most students can reject some of the options before they reach a point of confusion and for them, guessing is definitely in their best interest.
The second important strategy is to read carefully. In studies where students were interviewed immediately after the test, their explanations for items they answered wrong showed that 15 percent of wrong answers resulted from misunderstandings in reading the item: “Oh, it asked which of the following was not true, I didn’t see the ‘not.’” Fifteen percent can easily make a letter grade difference.
For essay tests, the guideline is to answer each question twice – first in outline form and then expanded as the actual answer. The student should write a brief outline on another sheet in the student’s own words and shorthand. Now your student’s final answer is more likely to be complete and well-organized.
Neatness counts. Even teachers who say that as long as they can find the answer, the student will get credit are more likely to give higher scores when answers are neat and the major points are easy to find. If your student doesn’t have an erasable-ink pen to avoid scratch-outs and arrows to scribbles in the margin, buy one today.
Totally, completely agree. We grounded, took away privileges and were on weekly email communication with teachers and the only one who was stressed and upset was myself and my husband. I decided I was not going through all 4 years of high school totally stressed and frustrated. My son’s grades are his own. He is stand out athlete and is a person of great character. He will make it when he decides to make it.
Wonderful advice again. This too is one of our struggles and I am going to really take this advice to heart. It’s a keeper, thanks!
#3 pops out at me. My youngest is not all that interested in academics. He has lots of other talents though. So happy you mention your son not enjoying reading, but recently changing that – I sure hope my youngest does one day. It floors me that he doesn’t like to read.