Last night while I was at the dinner table I sat back and looked at my family with relief. All five of us at dinner, no outsiders (sorry girlfriends) just the three boys, mom and dad. It felt so good to have everyone together for an informal unplanned dinner. We made individual pizzas; it is fun to listen to everyone joke and rib each other how they personalize their pizzas. I am so grateful that my family has come this far and can all be together at mealtimes. We continue to build what it takes to have a strong family bond, sometimes we struggle and other times it works. One family, each person so different from the other and I think respected by each other.
There was a time when I did not think my family would ever be whole again, when my middle son went to Wilderness and then treatment there was always a void. It felt like it would never be the same. There was the Thanksgiving two years ago; we were leaving for Utah so that we could see our son that was away in Utah at an RTC until we got a phone call from his therapist the day before we were ready to leave. He informed us that we were welcome to come to Utah, but would not be able to see our son. He was not responding to treatment and had lost his privileges to be with family at Thanksgiving. He had been at this treatment facility for two months and continued to act out. It was that event that lead to the birth of Troubled Teen Blog. One lonely Thanksgiving, a family with no place to go and not feeling thankful for much. Even though I did not realize at the time we had a lot to be thankful for.
Looking back at that first blog post “Thanksgiving”, and the last sentence
“ once again I did not think it would happen to our family”.
I don’t know what I was thinking, but there definitely were many of those to follow throughout the years. You always think it will be different for you or “I won’t go through that”. Those of you with teens in treatment that are missing them this holiday know they are in a good place and that with patience and will power your family will be together again.
When I wrote that Thanksgiving blog post I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going with this blog. But I did feel very alone and I actually did not think the blog would last, but for me this blog has been one the best therapy and it also serves as a reminder of where we have been. When I look back and reread old posts and your comments I am overwhelmed with the progress we have all made sharing our thoughts and fears as our children journeyed to places we never thought they would be. Watching and hoping all the time unsure if we had made the right choices.
It is with gratitude I dedicate this post to all of you for being there for me, giving me the courage to continue the blog during a time when I would rant and really doubted myself as a parent. I know for many the holidays can be a difficult time, and I pray that everyone has a safe, peaceful Thanksgiving Day wherever and whomever you may be with.
If you feel like commenting I would love to hear about your plans or if it is after Thanksgiving – how it went.
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Dear Heart Broken Mom,
I know there is nothing I can say that can relieve your loss and pain. A very good friend of mine lost her son a few weeks ago. I am very aware how real this is. Thank you for your comment and making us all be more aware that even though some of our teens are difficult we are blessed to have them in our lives.
Hi Angie:
Thanksgiving was very different for me and my surviving 4 children. My son Bret went through the Second Nature Wilderness program where he went willingly he soon changed his mind. His resistance at first to the program extended his stay for a three month stay. Little did I know that the big smile he had on his face totting his huge backpack on his last day of camp would be one that I had blown up in size to display at his memorial service. Bret completed the wilderness program in Utah and then went on to attend a Boys Ranch in Idaho for his senior year. He was a cowboy/redneck at heart so living in a yert on a 1,ooo acre horse ranch seemed to be right up his alley. My son seemed to struggle from a very early age of course being diagnosed with ADD (who wasn’t at that time 1994, 95′). Bret was born Oct. 4 1988 he was my beautiful son coming into this world with a twin sister. Bret was special, he had such a loving heart but became very troubled and angry at age 1 when his father left me for a younger woman. Bret struggled the rest of his life trying to get his father to tell the truth and explain why he put his family through this extreme heartache and lied over and over. I truly tried to make up for that loss of love he felt but he would struggle for his fathers love and acceptance up until the day he took his own life calling his dad several times but unable to reach him.
I guess the reason I am writing this is certainly not to bring you down when you are feeling good about your sons placement but to say God gave us our children to love and care for I wish I would have had the strength to not just go along with my x husband to send him off to be fixed by someone else. I look back in hinesight and know that comming home for holidays just wasn’t enough HE WAS LONELY. Bret has 4 surviving siblings my birth children his dad has 2 more children. We all miss him so very much and I wish I could have that time back with him that I so freely let someone else have.
My life has changed forever, I miss him terribly. I don’t blame my x husband but I do say this as a warning to all fathers- your son’s need you and they need your love and understanding not jiust a disiplinarian and someone who is going to MAKE THEM A MAN!!! There is a common link to young men and troubled relationships with their fathers. So please please treat each day as if it were your last and love your children the way God intended for us to do when he blessed us and trusted us to care for them.
Sincerely,
A heart broken mom
Wilderness was out of pocket, residential treatment was through the California Schools. There is a law AB3632, but you have to qualify. Not all states have it. Yes it is very expensive and we will be paying for a long time. My son definitely benefited from his time there, but he still has his issues. I think he is 2 years behind the other teens his age and he will be 18 in February. Now I am having difficulties with my younger, 15 yr old son, but his issues are much different. The teen years have not been easy, know you are not alone.
I am glad to hear you were all together for Thanksgiving. Even though I know sometimes it is not the best.
Our Thanksgiving was okay, at best. But we were all together. How do you guys afford residential treatment centers or wilderness programs? They are so expensive. My daughter definitely needs something like this, but we just can’t afford it. Any ideas?
Is there anybody out there that can guide me with my out of control seventeen year old. He was in residential for a year in Utah, but now a year later, our family is unraveling again. I am in desperate need of advice from parents who have dealt with the situation successfully.
Thank you so much for pioneering this uplifting blog. Even though my Christmas visit with my son has been called off – for bad behavior – you do remind me that I have a lot to be thankful for. He is in a good place. Love to all the troubled teen families!
This is a wonderful blog and it’s been a big help to me. So thanks very much, on Thanksgiving ! I spent an early Thanksgiving last week with my son who is now in a group home in Montana, and it was really good. He’s only been there since September (after two months in wilderness camp), but the people there are absolutely phenomenal. Not only do I know he’s in good hands, with support and a great deal of affection, but I also suspect that he’s actually HAPPY there, although he would never admit it since it was not exactly his idea to go !!! He’s still done some creatively stupid things since he got there, but everyone on the staff is understanding and they’re making a huge effort to get him to think before he acts and speaks.
So after a horrendous year of emotional anxiety and stress (for him as well as for us !), I give thanks today for the good places out there, with wonderful people who are dedicated to helping struggling teens figure out where they fit into this world.
And thanks again for this blog !!!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Thank you mom for the post. It was very well done and it was/is so nice to have all our boys home together.
I am thankful for that.
The Dad of the three great boys!
Thanks Angie I always like hearing from you.
Happy Thanksgiving to you! I am so thankful this year to be together as a family…we are all here! This is such an uplifting post thank you for sharing. It is so good to see that I am not alone in these trials with my daughter and your old posts have meant a lot to me. THANK YOU!