On the spur of the moment, my son and I decided to visit his RTC in Provo for a weekend. It was really a crazy idea, since we would be driving and it is a 12 hour drive in each direction. I did not want to pay the airfare, rental car etc. so we drove. If you read my blog, there was an earlier post Holding Back the Tears we had an incident and he truly broke my trust. Due to this incident it will take me some time to trust him. When the opportunity arose to visit his RTC, I thought it would be a good time to spend some time together, 24 hours in a car, we could talk, and learn more about each other. I think since he was basically grounded from the last incident he did not have much to lose. He also really wanted to see his therapist again.
The RTC puts on an annual play during the parent conference, and a few of the kids he knew had leading roles, his therapist agreed to see us and hopefully on Sunday some of the kids would be off campus and he would be able to visit with them. Well, everything went better than I could expect, we had a great time together on the road laughing and sharing. Spending three nights in a hotel, two in the booming town of Winnemucca, NV and I don’t think we argued once. He was respectful of the RTC rules when we got there and did not appear to flaunt that he was no longer a resident to the other kids. I was really proud of him and to hear the kids scream his name in happy surprise when they saw him made it all that much more worth it. They really are a family.
The highlight was our visit with his therapist, a very caring individual, and we had a wonderful conversation with him catching up. As we talked about substance abuse and behaviors, he made the comment to my son “All I can do is plant the seed”. Those few words rang out loud and clear, as a parent that is really all we can do and hope that some day the seeds will sprout and even blossom.
Before we left for the trip, I talked extensively to him about bringing any kind of contraband (ie drugs) to the kids. I searched his bags before we left and also searched his person when he got off work and into the car. That would be all I needed to ruin the trip and remember I don’t have a whole lot of trust right now, from what I could tell he was clean. The entire trip he did not appear to be using, I think that is why we had so much fun. He is also pee tested weekly for multiple drugs by his probation officer, so that helps to keep things capped. On all accounts I feel it was a very successful and memorable trip.
Back at home and less than two weeks later the ball drops, I receive an email from one of the staff at the RTC “Are you aware that your son brought in drugs and gave them to some of our kids?” One sentence guilty, with no chance of proven innocent, there was no doubt in those words that my son had done the damage. I also felt like it was a personal attack on me as my heart sunk, how can this be, why?? I emailed them back and gave them all the details, we were in town for 24 hours, did not meet with any of the kids off campus on Saturday, I had searched bags and person before we left … my son showed no signs of intoxication when I was with him. I did not think it was my son, but who knows, am I in denial?
I learned more valuable information about these “teens” during this weekend than in the past attending a parent conference. Some of them, like my son, are months / years in an RTC and within one day they are already going back to their old behaviors. Why would they smoke a cigarette when they have been clean and sober for 14 months? It is not as if they are addicted and have to have one. Personally, I don’t get it, but that is what some of them were doing.
I communicated to the RTC what I saw while I was in town and also what I observed of my son during the trip, also when I picked him up before we left town. I truly did not think it was my son, but at the same time I would not put it past him. As the story unfolds, he may have been used or a scapegoat. There were other teens there that were not in treatment including siblings, and I don’t think the teens in treatment wanted to get their siblings in trouble or maybe even their parents. I knew this was a risk when we went, but I was willing to take it. Risky kids, do risky things.
It just goes to prove your reputation does follow you, guilty by association and the finger will be pointed quickly. I received an email today from the RTC about this particular incident, he was vindicated and the email read:
“As we delve further into this, I think you are right. If he can come up with any more names, it would be appreciated.”
Case is closed with a good outcome, at least for some.
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Beth, I know you mean well. Having our kids in treatment is not an easy process. I can remember when my son first went into treatment I would dream about the day he came home (fixed of course). It was almost just as hard bringing him home as sending him to treatment. It has been a roller coaster ride I will admit that and the trust level is not the highest. But at the same time I am glad we did not leave him there until he was 18 to charge out of the gates. He is in school, has a job and I think may have a girlfriend. So things are not all bad, but having two teens at home does take its toll sometimes. For some reason I was blessed with “spirited” boys. Take care of your self and please comment often. I value your opinion.
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After re-reading my post, I feel I should apologize for coming off as judgemental–I suppose that is what I was doing in fact. You are right, each family has to find its own path. It is just that I was remembering one of your posts from about a month ago–”A House Divided”–where you were questioning your own decision to discharge your son from the RTC. One of your lines stuck with me–you said “I feel like my soul” is being sucked out of me. That line haunted me, as I have felt that way many times in dealing with my son. None of us want to see our kids suffer–we try as parents to protect them in any way we can. We also need to take care of ourselves too, and I was feeling worried that you were not keeping any energy for yourself. Anyway, I do wish the very best for you and your family and I hope your sons find their way and that peace will come to your household.
I’m glad you got back some affirmation that your son had not done what he was being accused of. Trust is such a difficult thing, isn’t it? Seems like your son is trying to move in the right direction, though it may be “2 steps forward, 1 step back” or perhaps “1 step forward, 2 steps back”
so I’m glad you showed some support for him. Obviously, you are not in denial! But all the mistakes he’s made in the past does not mean he can’t make good decisions now, right?
Sounds like a good weekend! Glad to see you’ve had some positives recently!
Karyn
Dear Beth,
I really do think you have all the best intentions when you wrote your comment and I appreciate all your concern. I fail to see how his discharge related to being falsely accused of sharing drugs with the clients. I guess I was trying to point out that I used this opportunity to spend one on one time with my son so that we could reconnect without all the outside distractions of home life. When was the last time you had 24 hours of sitting next to your son in a car, just the two of you? If I had it to do again I would because we had a wonderful time together sharing food, laughing about different incidences and discussing our individual lives and the different paths we have taken. In my opinion this would have been the last time he would experience the play and know the kids that were in it. Not to mention the time we spent with his therapist was short but priceless. We were not in town long, if it was 24 hours I would be surprised. I also knew going into it I was taking a risk, why do you think I searched his bags and at the time felt really bad about having to do it, but now I know why.
Since my son has been home, we have continued with his therapy and even though it has not been the smoothest transition I think that he is now getting help in areas he was not getting help at the RTC because they are issues they did not address. The RTC is about keeping them safe and getting them stable, but the deeper issues sometimes are not touched. To that point, which I am beginning to see clearer he may be in the right place at the right time. Everyday is a new awakening.
When I am the most troubled, wonder why things happen they way they do, then one day a situation arises and it is clear to me why I had to travel through those difficult times to get to the place I am now. I guess in the simplest terms “our higher power” works in mysterious ways. Never should one judge why one family may choose a different path than another.
You probably are not going to like this post, but here goes anyway. First of all, I would not have taken him from the RTC when he was obviously not ready to go. He AWOLed so many times you let him have his own way. As you have learned, they will say or promise anything to get out of there so they are “free” again. Free to take drugs, drink, run the street, etc. They know we cannot control them as well at the RTC can.
Nor would have I taken him for the weekend to see his friends at the RTC. If he missed his friends so much, he could have stayed there and seen them every day. Kids are not supposed to congregate together during the visit–I am always amazed by how many parents ignore this rule and let their kids get together at a restaurant or whatever. The kids see each other every day, why should you spend precious family time letting them hang out together?
Regarding smoking cigarettes–to me that is a battle not worth fighting. Cigarettes are addictive, true, but they are not mind-altering substances. But I must confess I am a smoker, so maybe my view is a little skewed.
I wish you the very best dealing with your son–actually, with both of them. I know you are under a tremendous amount of stress daily. Life could be more serene for you if your older son was back at the RTC, being contained, and getting his high school diploma. My son complains daily how he hates the place, etc., etc. NOTHING he can say, promise, or complain about would get me to remove him from the RTC before his treatment team agrees he is ready. And he is nowhere near ready–VERY far from it after 15 months.
Our kids need to learn they do not run the show, and the world does not change it’s rules to accommodate them. They need to take responsibility for their actions and understand that they cannot solve things by running away or throwing hissy fits. It may sound harsh, but I have communicated to my son that he will NEVER live in this house again if cannot follow the rules. And if he cannot follow the rules at the RTC, why would I possibly think he can follow them at home?
I really do wish you the very best and hope things work out for you. And I am sorry if I sound harsh or rigid, but these are all the things I have been thinking so I decided I should just say them.
Hugs, Beth
Once they leave the RTC sadly this continues to haunt them every day. Friends are difficult for them and yet so important. I have found that you cannot let anything slip by at least for the first 6 months or a year you have to stay on top of them. It is so easy to slip back. My son will be 18 in four months and then it will be different. My big worry right now is Halloween. Maybe I will have to tie him up. ;o)
I am so glad you had a great trip with him! It sounds to me like it may have been the first in many steps back to trust.
This post hit really close to home for me. As my daughter was released from this RTC that same weekend I am seeing her struggle daily to stay clean and not go back to that lifestyle and still be who she wants to be. On her first day back at school she was “invited” to go smoke at lunch. She didn’t go and told me about it, wanting to keep my trust, but she admitted she really had wanted to go. She was lucky another good friend stepped in and took her out to lunch instead. You asked the same question I did, Why would you even consider that after all you have been through? When she is home she is completely reasonable, but with friends I think her resolve wobbles. Yikes!