This may be one of the most difficult blog posts I have written. Three months have gone by since my son has returned home from Residential Treatment, he is 17; 18 in five months. Right now I am regretting discharging him from the RTC even though I know or think that we would have been putting off the inevitable. I am learning what it means to let life take its natural course and not try to control the outcome.
I love my son and I love my family, but these past three months have truly put me to the test of how far I will go. I knew there would be bumps in the road, but I never imagined the bumps to be this high. I have heard stories of other families with teens that have gone through RTC’s and had difficult times after discharge; we hope that they will re-enter having taken the magic pill, but that magic pill is only within them no matter what we do. Now I am at a turning point that I never thought I would feel inside where I would have to tell him he no longer can live in our home if he cannot follow the rules. I did not want to get to this place and did not think that I would, but due to his risky behaviors, lack of respect and unwillingness to recover I am slowly coming to that realization. I feel my spirit being sucked out of me through his actions.
We all have hopes and dreams, but what we own is what we are experiencing now. My hopes and dreams are different than his hopes and dreams we are two people fighting each other and trying to live under one roof. I feel my family has been shattered, but how can I take care of my family when I am not taking care of myself. As I hold back the tears, I am asking the universe for the strength to help me make the right decisions so that we can all live in peace on this earth.
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HELPPPPPPPP………..Hi there,
I came across your web page searching for help for my 2 adopted children, they are siblings ages 15 and 17. We just moved here to Orlando from NJ. My 17 yr old daughter has been in 2 drug rehab programs in NJ and is so out of control I don’t have any say over her. If asking her to do anything, I’m told to shut up or go to hell. She is 17 and has been held in the 9Th grade by the school for the last 3 yrs. She also has been having sex with my step son and requires my husband and I to never take our eyes off them as she is my step sons shadow, always looking to try and be alone with him. On several nights we have caught them sneaking from one room to the other. My husband has tried to talk to his son, He has taken things away from him and still does not help. He is almost 18 and now Will swear and yell at my husband. ( This is his biological son ) Michelle was also involved with the bloods in NJ and was caught on surveillance with them. She has been to two programs with no success to this point.
Her Biological Brother is 15 and is always in trouble with the school. He has broken several random windows, had the police come to our home in NJ and been caught smoking pot and sneaking out of the house at 2 and 3 am by several parents. If you try and talk to him or reason with him she tells you to shut the F up and everything is always a Joke to him.
At this point in time my husband just do not know where to turn, but we do know they are destroying our family and our marriage. I also have a terminal heart disease and can not stand this much more. We also have my 22 yr old daughter and her 2 1/2 yr old daughter to help my husband take care of my medical needs and my little granddaughter is seeing all this bad behavior from them.
We need to find them some kind of help now, or they are going to end up in jail or hurting some Innocent person or end up dead themselves. my Husband and I feel like we have lost all control of our home and they have taken it over.
I tought that I am the only one who is going through familiar situation. All it took for our son is to find one new “friend” – wrong one. He changed, started to sneak out of the house at night, “chilling”, became rude, stoped going to school,than I got that phone call from school. I cried my husband punished him, we put him on the house lock down and my life stoped! I drove him to school in the morning, waited until it end, drove him back home, took away his cell phone, no access to house phone, after school I was taking him with me to work….I also found out that he did not send any applications to colledges…We started therapy as a family, individually – it helped a little, but than he refused to go to therapist. I said that I would stop with therapist sessions if he would give us a chance to understand him.
My relationship with my husband got sour, I even started drinking to feel better…
It got better ……I even bought him a car….hope it will not bite me later….
For now months later, he is in colledge….
I hope that he will do great, but I still have problem trusting him. I am on top of everything checking e-mails, facebook, texting etc. I know it might sound gross, but at least I will know that I tried everything as a mother.
Do not give up, god will give you strength and everything will be fine. Stay strong.
If we give up they will have nobody, they need us we need them!
Nilka
Thanks Lon! Coming from you means a lot, I know you have been there and helped many. For some reason this seems to be my test.
Its been years since my wife and I went through this. Although I had helped countless clients through placement and then the difficulty of discharge, going through it ourselves was still very difficult. Our daughter finished her wilderness programs and an emotional growth boarding school (A little early in my estimation but she insisted and we were running out of money) and things were a little bumpy, but not bad for awhile. Then we got a note she was moving to another state with her boy friend and it was months before we heard from her again. Eventually contact was re-established and slowly she started making some better choices and the lessons from her program started to kick in.
It was a process of years, but she has got to where we have a good relationship, she is married to a good man and has a wonderful daughter in a stable home and both have productive careers.
My message is patience and hope – even when it seems all is lost, due to the efforts you have made there still is a decent chance that it will work out. In the meantime, take to heart the message you have been hearing how important it is that you take care of yourself. Remember, from past examples, there is still hope no matter how dark things look now.
I am praying that you, your husband and your son have the wisdom to choose what is right.
I am so very sorry that your situation has come to this point. I work with many families and find that it is hard to tell who will be able to move on positively and who will not. I would support you and say that keeping yourself in a position of safety and power even though it is difficult will have a good result. I support you. I recently heard the authors of a book called,The Lost Years speak. The mother was so powerful. She said that no parent should change their life to accommodate a child and that parents don’t have the power over a child’s choices. I am sure that you are feeling a tremendous amount of fear and shame, however, I support you and encourage you to take care of yourself and know that you have this community of people that support you as well.
I agree with a lot of the comments above, and I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you as you decide what coarse of action to take. In relation to what Anne said, it took over a year for me to actually see and experience some fruit from the residential treatment I was in. He’ll wake up one day and he’ll realize that the decisions he is making will get him nowhere.
Sincerely,
Jordan
I have also followed this blog recently with great interest since our son just did two months of wilderness therapy, and he’s now in a home-style residential program in Montana. I have craved information on how other parents went through this process !
And I have also been impressed, like the other readers of your blog, with your love for your son and your family, and your efforts to help him find his way in life.
I just wanted to say, although I realize that this is meager consolation, that 17-nearly-18 is still young, so he still has plenty of time to realize what he’s been through and how he can move forward. Do not despair ! Do what you have to do now, keep up your own internal fortitude, and try to keep in touch with him even if he’s not living at home in the near future. One day he will wake up, make changes, and appreciate everything you’ve done for him.
My husband and I just spoke to old friends recently whose 18-yr old daughter, since she was legal age, just took off and hung out with friends, all over her home city, for TWO YEARS. No school, no job, and only occasional contact with her parents, who were frantic but knew they could do nothing much.
She’s now 21 and is in school again, has grown up, says she needed that huge break, and is in other words, completely turned around. No wilderness camp or residential program, just two years of hanging out while her parents prayed that her body would not be found below a bridge (I’m not making that up !).
So have faith. As I said, do what you have to do, and then take care of yourself, and keep the communication lines open.
Thoughts and prayers go to you and your family !
No matter what, your blog has been an inspiration to me. My daughter will be leaving Heritage this week (she did complete the program) and I am feeling so happy and so scared both. I know that there are many outcomes, the one I want and reality. I hope you will keep up the blog. We are all learning, and your expieriences both good and bad are absoultely helpful to us living through similar expieriences. My heart is hurting for you. Know that you are making the right choices for your family. You are living it. Good luck, and God bless.
Oh, I really feel for you. Like I have told you before, I check this blog frequently to see how things are going for you. Always remember you have to take care of yourself first or you cannot possibly take care of others. You have done everything humanly possible to help your son, now it is up to him. We cannot force change on others–they must want it from within. You know all that. Sometimes I think it is true that we are just prolonging the inevitable–we do everything we can to protect them and hope they will see the need for change within themselves. I’m not sure what your options are since he is only 17, but it sounds the way things are going that at some point in the not too distant future the juvenile court might be intervening anyway. I think some of our kids will only learn from the school of hard knocks. Do what you have to do to protect your own sanity and the rest of your family–let him take his lumps. Call me any time if you want–I am becoming a real hard liner about this stuff.
Hugs, Beth
Rather than ask the universe, seek the One who created the universe. He knows you, your son, your family. You are in a very painful place, but I think I hear you saying that you are beginning to let go. You must have a lot of fear regarding your son. Many have made it out of the pit he’s in, and I pray that he will be strong and also seek the One who can pull him out. You can’t. And that’s so painful for us as parents to realize that we can’t fix our kids. Everything I’ve read from you tells me you are an incredible mom. Even the last post before this one shows how intentional you are being about your parenting. Protect yourself and your home. It can all fit together, even though right now the pieces are not fitting nicely. Dig deep and stay strong. God will help you.
I really feel for you and I am so sorry to hear how hard things have been since your son’s discharge from RTC. We have not been down the RTC road, but we have been down a very difficult and challenging one. I know what it is like to feel the way you are feeling now. Sending out a hug for you!
(((HUGS))) I am so sorry it is at this point for you. I am praying for you and your family.