In the past three years I have attended hours of family therapy, individual therapy and group therapy as a family with a troubled or struggling teen. You would think, by now I would be able to mentor others with similar issues or families struggling with troubled teen problems. Not the case, I am always amazed how each situation is similar but very different. Like me, most parents want a “quick” fix for a troubled teen, but with all good things it takes time. Issues have to be worked on and that is a lengthy process. The best advice I have is through experience and I am not so sure I am the best role model. Friends will ask me “so what do they tell you about how to handle certain situations”. The sad part is no one really tells you what to do, and there is no cure but a common thread all therapists talk about is connecting with your teen.
Connecting with a teen is usually accomplished by spending time together or doing things with them that “they like to do” not what “you” like to do. This can be pretty scary, especially since most teens don’t want to be seen with their parents. Lists vary and could be different for males and females but here is a generic short list:
- Attend a concert with them of their choice.
- Go to a movie together
- Shopping
- Learn a new skill or sport together i.e. surfing …
- Lunch (maybe invite one of their friends along)
- Take a trip
When I look at this list, many of them turn have turned into disasters; especially the shopping. But recently I did #6. Before we left on our trip I thought I was a little bit crazy, but it turned out to be fun for all of us. I drove my 15 year old son 1500 miles with one of his friends and our dog to visit skate parks in Oregon. Supposedly Oregon is known for their skate parks. We were gone for 4 nights; while they went to various skate parks of their choice I visited local restaurants and neighborhood knitting stores. It was a lot of driving (neither of them have their permits) but we had a good time together. In fact on the way home I told them I had fun and they said they did too! Everyone was happy. Overall the boys were very polite, easy to be with and while driving we would listen to their music, but when I wanted it off they complained a bit but would acquiesce. Prior to the trip I was doing it out of some guilt, because I felt my son needed to get away before school started. He had attended summer school and did not really have a vacation. Once we returned I realized, I had connected with my son in a different way, that it was a bonding experience for both of us and I am sure will hold many wonderful memories in the future.
I invite you to add to my list with experiences you have had bonding or connecting with your teen, feel free to share the problems you have run into trying to connect. Most of the lists I have seen are somewhat corny and my kids would never go for most of the activities. The concert one would really be a tough one for me. There is a definite generational gap when it comes to some of their music.
Below are pictures I took from my phone while on the trip:
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thanks for sharing, it is helpful.
LOL I tell you what you can go to the heavy metal and I will go to the classical with your dd-16.
I have to admit SF is pretty special, I like it myself.
I totally want to take my dd-16 on a trip to San Francisco – she would just love that city.
Funny about the concerts – I go with my dd all the time, but her taste is of the classical bent which is very nice, just sometimes I would like some rock or even heavy metal – you can dress alot more casually for those and there is no risk of falling asleep