This is my top 10 list of teen parenting lessons I have learned.
- Don’t become the enabler. Make your teen responsible for their actions.
- Be a consultant and not a dictator.
- Call the police or dial 911 if either you, your teen or anyone else may be in danger due to their behaviors.
- Let go of your ego, parenting a troubled teen is not for the faint of heart. Many of us are not prepared for what it entails.
- Believe your gut instinct about your teen. If someone gives you advice and you do not agree or think it is right question it.
- Set reasonable consequences and stick to them.
- Don’t set consequences or threaten consequences that you will not be able to uphold.
- Don’t be amazed by what you see or hear it is usually true or real.
- Believe the unbelievable.
- Confront issues head on no matter how unbelievable or scary they may be for you.
I am sure there are more out there. Let’s hear what has worked for you.
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Hi Suzanne,
Thanks for the link I will check it out. Power struggles are a natural when you have teens. We are going through some of that with our teen right now and being realistic about what he will be successful at after high school.
I’m re-reading this blog and I just found this 2-part article that speaks to parents of teens who have run away and what to do when they come back home. We have a son in a troubled teen boarding school who in the past has run away to be free to do drugs. I often wonder what it would be like when he comes home, backslides, and life becomes insane again: http://www.empoweringparents.com/Consequences-For-When-Runaway-Children-Want-to-Come-Home.php
In this article there’s good advice about not playing into the power struggles – even if your teen has not run away.
Great list of lessons. I think there’s nothing more I can add on your list of lessons that you’ve learned on parenting a troubled teenager. Nice post by the way.
I also have a step son, he was four when my husband and I got married. I also struggled with his title and how to introduce him. I felt badly when I would mention my sons and then he as my “step-son”. I later decided it was no ones business and introduced them all as my sons, basically that is what they are. He is now 23 and I have become the step-mom, so I guess he is the step son.
Does it really matter?
I do have a son. He is not my biological son, which does throw a twist on things, but I’m still taking steps every day to learn how to parent. I love him a lot though, as if he were mine. I introduce him as my son. In my opinion, if I were to introduce him as my “step-son” it would only create a wall between him and our family. When future siblings come, which I hope they do
, I want our son to feel just as important and just as loved as his brother(s) or sister(s) or both. Who knows what they’ll be.
Jordan, your comments are never too long and it is a voice of experience, we like hearing from you. I had no idea you had kids of your own and a pre-teen at that!
I really like number 1 and 2. But like you all said, it’s a difficult thing to consult with a teen and not dictate. I struggle with that a lot with our pre teen. I actually have to constantly fight that battle with more people than just my kid. LOL!
Awesome post! One thing that has really spared my son some heartache, is that when he pulls a big piece up stupid, I obviously get angry, but we choose to talk about it some other time when I’m not angry. As I’ve been talking to him in a calm manner, he really opens up and doesn’t shut down. He knew I was angry, and I have yelled at him so many times. Now though, as I move away from the yelling and into consulting like you mentioned, he has already expressed how much he really enjoys talking about his mistakes with me. There still are however, some natural consequences to his mistakes.
Sorry for the long comment…
This is such a smart list – thanks for writing it.
#1 was hard for me, and, like TooManyHats, #2 was hard, as well. By the time I took the consultative path, he didn’t want to hear from me at all, anyway. It’s tough all around, rearing difficult teens.
Your website has some great tips. Thanks so much for writing them.
Marcia, author of “Strained Relations: Help for Struggling Parents of Troubled Teens”
Regarding #7 – even though sometimes that is what we feel like doing “leaving and never coming back”! Let’s put it this way life is more interesting now.
)
What a great list! I think #1 is the #1 thing to remember–I know I have been an enabler many times in the past. I have had to do #3 on more than one occasion–our local sheriffs have been very kind and understanding. And #7 is a good one–”If you ever do that again, I’m leaving and never coming back!” Where the hell would I go? I hope things have been going smoothly at your house in recent days….
That is a tough one for me too! I have to bite my lip a lot!
Well, certainly many if not all of these apply no matter if you have a troubled teen or a typical teen, is there such a thing. #2 is one I have to watch myself for.