Oh What A Day!
This is going to be a very short post because I am exhausted. As I walked through the isles of PetCo at 7:30 this evening I received a phone call from my husband, he was sitting on the beach with our son negotiating. I don’t know any of the details, but he wanted my opinion and I told my husband he had to work it out. Since I was not there, I can’t really say how to handle the situation for the best outcome. My goal is to get him home and then do the negotiations. It was all I could do to hold back the tears at the PetCo checkout counter and thank God.
What is next? I don’t know, will my son come home with his Dad? I think he will, but will he stay and what is next, what is next what is next. This is the continuing story of my troubled teen.
Oh yeah! I think he may have been sober.
[My husband took the picture today with his phone and sent it to me]
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Wow. I’ve been following your posts since your son ran away. I’m very happy that he is ok, though I’m sure the stress of the upcoming “talk” might be a bit much on you and your husband…not to mention the business trip. But, that could be a good thing in disguise, right? I pray the talk goes well with your son, I’m looking forward to hearing how it went. You are doing a great job, and please be encouraged in the midst of all this. I believe that though this is so strenuous on you and your family, that you are learning and growing even through heartache. So, even though I’m just following your posts, my thoughts and prayers are also with you and your family during all this.
You get the credit for sharing and that means a lot.
I would love to take credit for the input on Negotiation, but it truly belongs with New Haven. The parent skills and what I fondly call “parent behavior modification” which happened there were instrumental in helping all of us get to the place in life we are now.
Wow, that is so exciting. I hope the negotiations went well and he will be home soon. I wonder if at least a part of him wanted to be found – your dh seems to have found him quickly. I look forward to the next update. Big hugs.
Dear Donelyn, Thank you, you are a gift. I will read this many times before my son arrives at home. To add to all the drama, I am leaving town tomorrow morning for a business conference. That could be a good thing, most of the negotiation will need to be handled today. I know what I want, and hopefully I can express it and let go of it, if it does not work out. Personally, this part of parenting I am not good at and was never prepared for.
While our daughter was at New Haven (Spanish Fork, UT), we attended Family Weekends every 8 weeks. One of the groups on one of those weekends, was on Negotiation. The key point to remember is that you can only put on the table what YOU’RE willing to do, and what YOU’RE willing to accept or reject. It is up to the person you are negotiating with to do the same. Negotiation is a skill that allows for each person to be heard and have his/her needs taken into account. Generally, the huge block to achieving successful skills is that we have a hard time separating from intense emotions and stepping outside of ourselves enough to hear, understand and consider everyone’s point of view. We shut down because we are afraid that if we give a little or open ourselves up we might get taken advantage of or have something taken away from us. So:
1) Ask yourself what you are willing to sacrifice and put it “on the table”
2) Make your own offer, do not offer for someone else or tell them what their offer should be
3)Use responsible language in your offers, thoughts and feelings
4)Explain on an emotional level how you see the situation and why you are having difficulties wanting to sacrifice
5)Negotiation is not deciding whose side is better or more right–but coming to an agreement somewhere in the middle
Stumbling Blocks:
1) Power Plays–we feel threatened so our impulse is to want to control the situation or person—they are done to create an unequal ground and so destroy safety and trust (eg leaving the negotiation table and refusing to come back)
2) Power Struggles–based on the need for someone to be right and someone to be wrong. You’ll know you’re in one if you find yourself going round in circles with the conversation escalating. What tends to happen to end one is someone asserts their power enough that the other person is left with very few, if any, choices. Very little of the emotional issue, which is the problem causing the negotiation, is considered. You need to talk at the emotional level of what is really being experienced with each party to be effective in getting out of a power struggle. (eg all parties get into a blaming cycle where each person is deemed more right or wrong based on past mistakes)
3)Lose/Lose or Win/Lose Orientation: when discussions & connections are about winning or being right instead of how we can work toether in a way that all parties feel somewhat comfortable with what is going on we create distance, defensiveness, inequality and shame. Win/win needs to be the goal—it is more about process then content. (eg make certain everyone’s feelings are understood and everyone has an idea of how those feelings are going to be considered and taken care of to some extent)
4) Manipulation: undermines safe negotiation because it is not honest & only focuses on the person who is manipulating. It is an example of a win/lose situation. It reduces trust, is selfish in orientation, it is testing limits & boundaries, it is an addictive pattern (eg offering part of the truth to seem trustworthy and withhold part so that I will get my way. I trick you into thinking that I am committed to being honest with you)
To being the process, it is important to delineate what is negotiable and what is non-negotiable. (eg when we were at the point of transition, the non negotiables were: honesty, no self-harm, no destructive relatinships)
I will continue to pray for you.
I am SO RELIEVED for you to hear that he’s safe and sound and on his way home!
I don’t know what is next for you guys but my prayers continue.
And, yes, it was much easier when you could essentially force them to do what you needed them to do…. Both my 15- and 19-year-old sons are bigger and stronger than me… the days of forcing anything are long over.
Hi Karyn, My husband called at 7:00 this morning and they are on the road back to Northern California, no stopping for breakfast yet, I would imagine he wanted to get out of town. That’s all we would need for him to run at breakfast! At this point my husband, and I for that matter, cannot restrain him, he is really stronger and more flexible than both of us. Remember the days when you would put them in the stroller and buckle them in and you knew they could not go anywhere? I thought those were tough times.
prayers answered!!! I am so glad for you!!!!!!
I look forward to reading that your son came home with your hubs. My heart goes out to your family. <3