Before I tell my story there is a more pressing issue at hand. Another teenager has run from her home and her parents are desperately seeking her return. I do not know the details, this is a young lady age 15 and thought to be in Southern California. You can see her flyer here http://www.troubledteenblog.com/deannamissing.pdf . All contact information is on the flyer, or contact me and I will get the information to the family.
Those of you that read my blog and are not familiar with teens with these issues or in treatment may be wondering “what is going on with all these run away teens”. Most live away from home and when they are on home visits for holidays and most recently Spring Break it is an opportunity for them to AWOL or run away so they will not have to return to a therapeutic boarding school or residential treatment center.
I feel very lucky and blessed that my son has returned safely home. My husband found him in the evening on Venice Beach in California. I give all the credit to my husband for negotiating his safe return to our home on Tuesday without force, but to do this he had to make a few promises:
- We would not call the police
- We would not bring in “the goons” or better known as the transport service that takes him back to the residential treatment center.
My son is now the ripe age of 17, soon to be the magical age of 18 and he knows that our controls will end soon. When he returned home from his 4 day run, we discussed the options that were out there for him and I will have to say we had a mature conversation; at times very emotional, but we all put our cards on the table. We were able to reason with him his return to residential treatment (without the goons). But during our negotiation, and from the support of many of you, I had to remember this is not about me, but this is my sons life and I have to let go of “my perfect world” for him. This must be a win/win for everyone. At one point I did have to leave the room because I became too emotional. Darn me!!
For now he is returning to his school in Provo, Utah, but since he is 17 we are definitely at a cross roads and as a family we have made promises and the trust issue is big. We all have our work to do. Sending your child to residential treatment in the beginning is not easy but it is a relief that your teen is at last safe. Ending care at residential treatment is almost as scary as sending them. I want my teen home but I also want it to be the right time.
Side note: LOL, when he first arrived home for his visit he had this big blanket and I could not figure out why. I asked him, “why did you bring that blanket?” His reply, “oh, they always have lousy blankets on the airplane” (they have an answer for everything) I thought, hmm that’s pretty smart or interesting.
Well – when he came home after the run, what did he have with him? THE BLANKET!! I think he used it as a bed roll!! – OMG, now looking back there were so many clues.
As all of you helped me with my teen, please pray and if you can help this other family with the safe return of their daughter, we have really done a lot. http://www.troubledteenblog.com/deannamissing.pdf
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I think you have expressed so well what is next and my goal is that I will have the tools to deal with the issues and have MY life. Thank you for your wisdom.
I am so grateful that your son returned home willingly with your husband. Where there is hope, there is opportunity. Showing your emotions to your son was not a bad thing–it is important for our kids to see the emotional impact anxiety, fear, anger, gratitude have in our lives. As long as you own your emotion– “It is my anxiety. It is my fear. It is my anger. It is my gratitude”–and are not placing the responsibility for that emotion on them, or anyone else for that matter, invites them to be in the place you are–a place they’ve also been. It builds connection by allowing them to see life through your eyes–it underscores your commonality with your son, not the differences. He may try to hide from or avoid it, but it is there. No need to discuss, apologize or explain it.
It seems you have your work cut out for you–we begin to let go of our kids from the time they are born, but I found this phase the most difficult and it certainly felt the most threatening. I couldn’t trust my daughter to keep her self safe, but I couldn’t continue to protect her either–she wasn’t going to let me, and it wouldn’t have helped her to grow in accountability or responsibility had she. Ideally, as we raise our kids we are doing a combination of preparing and protecting–I majored in the later and minored in the former, which increased my anxiety the closer she got to 18. Possibly the biggest gift you can now give your son is to really give over the protection piece to Heritage, and ask them to work with you on the preparation piece—prepare him for independence. I promise you it will stretch you to the max, and you will have as many sleepless nights as you did when he was a baby; he’ll very likely change his mind when all of the realities of what independence look like. I can also promise you that if you do this, and can find the strength and courage to hold the line and be consistent, you will gradually be aware that you are no longer on the roller coaster with your son, that your days are good or bad, eventful or uneventful, because they are YOUR days, not because those were his days. I can still remember very vividly the dull, gray Seattle morning 2 1/2 years ago when I woke up and thought–it is beautiful today! Until that momenet I hadn’t realized how opressed and depressed I had become–I determined then and there I was NEVER going to go back to the way it had been, and if that meant truly releasing my daughter into her own hands, than that was what I had to do, even if I had to do it every single morning. I have never looked back and regretted that decision—and she and I now have a relationship I never thought we’d have
I am so happy he came home, you have talked, and he is going back to his school.