Today we had family therapy with our son that is in residential treatment. Next week we are planning a home visit, the therapy session was geared around the home visit and what the expectations may be. As we got into it, it was amazing how unrealistic my sons expectations could be around the visit. Since he is 17 soon to be 18 the therapist was trying to express how it was not about what “the parents” expectations were of his behavior but what responsibilities he was ready to assume. We got hung up on what time he should go to bed at night. How ridiculous is that? He is 17 years old and talking about bedtime? But his idea was he should not have to go to bed before 3:00 AM. I think he was button pushing and power tripping with us. Sure if you are working on some project, 3:00 AM is ok, but to be just hanging out. I don’t think that works for us.
Once again, as the therapist said, this is your chance to be responsible for yourself and show independence and that is what he got hung up on. As we moved through the session, I finally said to him “I hear resentment in your voice”, when he got home we owed him. Then it all came flooding out, how we had placed him in treatment and he did not deserve it, he has lost his teen years and it is our fault, he will never have those years back again. Oh, the guilt was rolling in. I understand and know how he feels, but looking back we had no choice and the more mature answer would have been him taking some the responsibility for his past actions. But obviously we are not there yet and I don’t know if we ever will be.
I am hoping that he and the therapist will have the opportunity to work through these issues for him. In my opinion what is more important now is that he will learn to accept the responsibilities of his current age, which he was not able to do the past two years, and start to move forward and look at the life he has ahead of him and all the opportunities that he may not have had.
Is that really to much to ask? And is it impossible? How I wish I had a crystal ball. Maybe you do, comment and let me know. I do want to add I am more than excited about having my son home next week.
Side note, having two teens really makes me realize how we see the world differently. I know I was once a teen but there has got to be “some” reality based in there thinking. Yes… this to will pass. The great thing now is I can also blog about my son that is not in treatment! He is not easy either. I was hoping for some relief.
By the way to all my faithful readers, thank you for being there and wishing you a happy holiday weekend, Easter the holiday of spring and new beginnings.
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There are a lot of horror stories out there about residential treatment, boot camps, wilderness camps etc… There are however amazing treatment centers out there where struggling teens are being revived and mentored. For me it was treatment, or death. My lifestyle had prison written all of over it. Done well, residential facilities really heal, done wrong, they can really hurt. A parents needs to do their due diligence. I’m not resentful to my parents one bit for sending me away. If anything, they realized what they had to offer wasn’t working. They realized I needed more help which they couldn’t extend to me.
Hi Josie, Thanks for your comment. It was very difficult sending our son away, it was not by choice but necessity. The risk is that he will have resentment and anger towards us. But if we had not received the help he needed I don’t know what his future would look like. At least now he has opportunities in front of him. What are normal teenage years? For everyone it is different, to land in juvenile hall doesn’t sound to normal to me. Some residential treatment centers do have bad reputations but I know my son is in a good place and that the staff cares about him and our family. If they did not he would not be there. For those that have not experienced a struggling teen it can be hard to understand.
I am so sorry for your son!
Did you really had to send him to a residential treatment?!
I heard a lot of awfull stuff about those places, I would be very worried !
I wonder, do you really expect he wil NOT resent you one day for excluding him from your family and from normal teenage years?
I’m really excited for you and for your son’s home visit! I hope it is a very rewarding time for you and your family. My first home visit was very intimidating for both me and my family. It was a great time together though. I hadn’t radically changed, but my parents did see minor steps forward. One thing I always need to remember, is that 2 steps forward and 1 step backward is still 1 step forward from where they were. Please keep us posted on the home visit!
Thanks for your continued comments. I have been thinking about this issue and he may have fears about leaving and since he will soon be 18 that we will abandon him. That may be the route we need to take assuring him that we are always there for him.
A home visit already – that seems quick. That must mean he is doing well at the treatment facility. Sorry he is not taking at least a little responsibility – hopefully the therapist can work with him a bit before he comes home. Enjoy his visit!