Therapy is a family event
Most families feel they can work through the big issues with their teens. If our son was not in residential treatment we may not have family therapy. We did attend group therapy with other families before RTC, which was good but nothing like having a family therapy session. Therapy is that dreaded word that no one wants to dive into, no one really wants to change so I think most people generally try to avoid any kind of therapy at all. I am learning the true meaning and value of “dreaded therapy”. Today, I can see how through each therapy session we have the tools to move closer as a family.
When I was a teen a friend and her family was going to therapy sessions, her brother had been caught using drugs. This was in the ‘70’s and family therapy was not real common at least not at my home. Later I learned that her parents were getting a divorce and that family therapy led to the divorce. Was it the parent’s discord that led to the son abusing drugs? Or was it the son’s drug abuse that made the parents realize they were incompatible? I guess one will never know and that is the chance a family may take. I never felt that her family was worse off because of the outcome
Most families with teens would benefit from some kind of “family therapy”. Teens will begin to isolate from their families at the age of 14. This is natural, but if the communication divide gets wider and wider, arguments begin to take place and the communication breakdown becomes hard to repair. My 14 soon to be 15 year old son spends countless hours in his room, very little time at the dinner table and talks primarily when spoken to. Sometimes he will choose to offer information but not very often. He is not confrontational and when we ask him to do something he may, sigh but usually follows through. So far my gut tells me life with him is still manageable for us.
If there is a lot of discord in a family such as constant grounding or taking away privileges then possibly “family therapy” can help everyone stay connected. Since my son who is 16, soon to be 17 is in an RTC we have family therapy 2x per month or every other week. During these sessions we learn about our son’s motivations in a safe environment and our son is forced to listen to our side too. I have learned during family therapy to take a back seat and listen when our son is expressing his feelings. It is during those times that I get the most benefit from our time. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue and it is worth it. Therapy allows our son to get very upset with us (and he usually does) he knows we have to listen and are not in control. It is a time of compromise, as parents we learn to accept our son’s life path and let him know that we want him to succeed.
Our typical family therapy session may begin very cordially, then you can feel the thoughts beginning to from. Sometimes the therapist will begin the discussion, but many times issues will come out on the table from the onset. There are times I feel like nothing is happening and bang we are in the middle of a mess. One of our biggest issues right now is our son will be 18 in a year and thinks we plan to keep him in treatment no matter what he does until he is 18. This is a trust issue for him and seems to be an going issue for all of us. The discussion will usually get very heated, then the therapist will get involved to mediate the discussion so that we can all talk logically and not with emotion. Then the tempers will begin to calm, some understanding on both sides begins to take place and we usually end on a positive note. We have had very few sessions that have ended negatively, this may in part be due to the therapist. I believe in my heart that everyone wants to make this work.
I have learned that families need a safe place to talk, whether your teen is in residential treatment or living at home; if the communication is getting strained then therapy may be a good place to start. If this is something that you think may help your family look for a therapist that understands teens and can help you on a day to day level deal with the issues. Finding a good therapist that truly understands “teens” may be difficult. Many of them deal with adult issues and think they can deal with teens but knowing how to deal with teens and helping parents to understand is important.
Having a teen in an RTC, such as Heritage, when your family is struggling is truly a gift. At one time I was ashamed by now I see how my husband and I could never have done it alone. At Heritage or any of the adolescent RTC’s they understand teens and how the teen brains work. Most parents that I talk to with struggling teens in treatment comment that having the role models at the treatment centers and the support has helped them to be better parents. Learning the art of patience and forgiveness goes along way in supporting our developing teens. Don’t look back keep moving forward, or as many of us know “One day at a time”.
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Note: I wasn’t going to approve this comment I wasn’t sure if it was worth my readers time. But today I looked at it and thought there may be someone that gets something from this comment. The rest is for you to decide.
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My mom died, and left me to take care of my 16-year-old sister. We have different dads. It is a complete true-life nightmare. She terrorizes me, has brough loads of people to live under our roof for free. I bought her a home that will someday be her at 18. I buy her everything under the son. I live in the garage while she gets the master bedroom. She treats me like a dog. Her friends say I mooch off of her and they treat me horrible as well. I work, give her all of my paychecks. I had office equipment stolen, so now I have to live in the garage with my computer so I can work. She is very cruel. At 16 years old I wonder how a person could be as cold-hearted as her. She has been using meth since June and has been basically smoking pot and experimenting with drugs since 14. I am 35, live a simple life. I have had to run out all of her teenage friends that started to live in our home. The police are at my residence once a week because she has outbursts at me. She is aggressive, has kicked in my car, thousand dollars worth of damage, has physically hurt me before. I live in constant fear. I know when she is not on meth, she is in a bad mood. I am 100 pounds and am 5′ 1″. She has taller than me and weighs more. From her horse riding – oh, and I even bought her a horse that she never rode, so had to give away – due to riding horses, she has strong legs, and at one point she fractured my rib and I was hunched over for a week. I live in a house that I am going to give to her, but in the meantime she makes me live like a prisoner, and she demands a minimum of 20 dollars a day, and 60 dollars on friday, and then for her food bought, and I have to feed her other two friends that live here for free as well. One of her friends is also abusive towards me verbally and has accused me of mooching off of my sister. I swear, this is an anarchy of the teen world. She is pushing me out the door. I really do not know how much more I can take of this. I have been looking for a new place to live. WHOEVER HAS AN OUT-OF-CONTROL TEENAGER THAT IS ON DRUGS AND IS A TOTAL JERK, I FEEL YOUR PAIN.
I really appreciate your post. It can be extremely difficult dealing with troubled teens. I’ve found that Silver Hill Hospital’s family therapy and group sessions, part of their adolescent residential treatment program, can be very helpful in moving forward towards recovery. It helped us examine our family’s issues in a safe and therapeutic environment.