It was just over a week ago that I hung up the new calendar for the year. As each new year begins I am always hopeful this is going to be the best year ever; trouble free, no health problems, all family members are stable and on deck. Well, reality has it that January 1 is just another day and usually I carry into it what has been sewn in the year before. Actually one year just melts into the other.
For me determining the greatness of a year depends on how well my family members are doing, since I have one son in residential treatment a lot depends on him. Which is most likely my first mistake, but he does take a lot of my energy. In our home we do not have a lot of structure, I am not saying we don’t have rules but there is not a lot of structure as far as what you will and will not do. Personally I feel everyone should be accountable and responsible for themselves and if you are not then there will be consequences. My feeling is by the time you reach your teen years it is the dress rehearsal for becoming an adult, proving your accountability so that you earn more responsibility.
The teen years roller coaster ride with my struggling teen son who has left an RTC and now lives in a group home continues. A few years ago we climbed to the top of the big roller coaster hill and fell over the top, with our hands waving in the air for help. But the ride seems to continue but at a different level of excitement, going around corners and up and over the small hills. We have not gotten off the roller coaster.
We have come to the holiday, which has a lot of anticipation since last year my son was not able to be home and we spent Christmas in a hotel room in Provo, Utah so that we could all be together. Living at a group home, he has a two week break from school and I was really hesitant having all this time at home with not a lot of structure. Partly due to some of his recent lack of responsibility and not being able to follow the rules, let’s say testing the limits. He needs the structure that the group home provides. Needless to say my husband and I argued over the visit, he wanted an extended visit. We finally compromised with the help of our family therapist. We broke the visit up into three parts before Christmas, Christmas and after Christmas. With one caveat, which my son did not learn until after Christmas, if all was going well he would not go back to the group home until after the New Year.
All went well and he did stay from Christmas through the New Year. Since the holidays were working out, I would say we let down our guard a bit. He appeared to be healthy, following the rules and not partaking in any kind of substance abuse. At the end of the break he went back, everyone was happy and thoughts rang in my head of what a great year this is going to be.
Well then the bomb hit, darn! Which proves how sneaky they can be and why I cannot let my guard down with this kid. The house is finally getting cleaned up from the holiday mess, everything is getting put away. I was not searching for anything after his visit and feeling pretty good that I did not feel compelled to search his room after he left. I am putting clean clothes in each person’s dresser so the house can get cleaned, when I put my sons t-shirts in his drawer out rolls evidence of over the counter drugs substance abuse. My heart dropped.
Hence the roller coaster ride, but for some reason this time it feels very different. Of course it affects me emotionally and I am very disappointed, but I cannot allow this troubled teen to be the deciding factor if I am happy or sad. In one month he will be 17, in one year he will be 18. I cannot live his life for him, and I will not have him doing this in my home. Luckily he is living in a group home situation with therapeutic support and we do not have to go this alone. I am turning this over to them and he can decide for himself how long he wants to stay living in a group home. He talks about wanting to come home but for now I guess the drugs are more important to him than coming home.
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Dear Parent,
Thank you for sharing. My heart throbs when I hear of another family that is struggling in today’s uncertain world. It sounds like you are on the right path. Investing in your sons future is the best decision you could possibly make. Spending Christmas in a hotel room one year, although it seams bleak, it is so much better than spending Christmas at your sons funeral. I commend you for realizing the seriousness of the situation. You are doing the right thing. Stay strong.
I work with parents. I know of your struggles. I work for a company called One on One Parenting that has helped thousands of families just like yours with an at home program called Gravity Matters. This is a program that will not only help your student while he is in the mentioned program, but it will give you support and direction for when he comes home on those holiday visits or even help you bring him home for good.
Thanks for the ramble. I needed that reminder, not to let the one incident taint the visit, we need to move forward and not look back.
I am so sorry you found that – ugh! But, you are doing the right thing. He has to make the changes in order to move back home. Why as humans are we constantly sabotaging ourselves? Most people do it, thankfully most don’t do it with drugs, but they do it with other things. Hang tight to the memory of his holiday visit – it sounds like it went really well interpersonally. That he chose to make a bad decision does not take away that memory of the family being whole again. Okay, I am rambling, I wish I could give you a big hug.