Parenting Teens with Love and Logic

Twice a year the residential treatment facility my son attends has a 3 day parent conference. At this time parents have the opportunity to meet other families, the staff and teachers. The conference goes into detail on how the residential treatment center deals with our adolescents and their issues. They also provide parenting workshops to help us understand our teens so that we can build better relationships and  have harmony at home when they return. Before the conference, I had a bit of an attitude that it would be the same old thing, since this was not my first and felt like I had heard it all. Well I found out differently and attended some excellent sessions that I will share with you. One of the workshops I attended was based on the book “Parenting Teens with Love & Logic” following is an outline of my notes from the workshop. Once again these are my notes and not directly from the book.

Definition of Love and Logic in Parenting

Love – Means maintaining a healthy relationship and empowering your teen to make their own mistakes.
Logic- Understanding that kids can solve their own problems and as parents we will not bail them out, they have the power to solve problems on their own.
When parenting with love and logic you do not have to own your teen’s problems,  it takes away the threats, anger and lecturing.

The book defines 5 parenting types and how they help or hinder teen development:

• Helicopter Parent – the parent that will not allow their child to fail
• The Jet Powered Attack Model Parent – This parent is obsessed with creating the perfect child therefore prevents any kind of self development.
• Drill Sergeant Parent – Teaches the child they cannot think for themselves and dictates what the child will do.
• The Laissez-Faire Parent – Allows the child to parent themselves.
• The Consultant Parent – This is the parenting style is best suited for teens. A parent that gives advice and  does not dictate and does not give orders.

Parenting with Love and Logic transitions the parenting language from “you” to “I”, we begin to learn it is no longer helpful to send “you” messages, such as “You better get ready for bed.”  Effective “I” language would look like this:

• “I’m wondering if graduating from high school isn’t important to you.”
• “I’m wondering if you fell upset with the choices you are making.”
• “I’m curious about the feelings you are having that lead to your choices your making.”

These are questions that show curiosity and interest which become powerful tools for the adolescent. This forces them to think and may them to find new answers that may have not occurred.

Start treating your teenagers as responsible adults, this can be done by:

• Giving them control, look for opportunities where they can be responsible
• Ask yourself as the parent “how much control do I need in this situation”, 20%, 40%?
• Control your battles, when teens get in an argument they think about one thing and that is “who is going to win”.

There are three rules for control:

• Avoid control issues or battles
• If you are forced into a battle make sure that you can win it.
• Pick the issue of the battle carefully and deliberately. Don’t be threatening and whatever you do follow through.

The control battles that a parent should choose and have high expectatins for their teens to live up to:

• To be respectful to everyone in the home, including guests
• Not to bring drugs into the home or on your property
• Contribute to the household upkeep by doing chores
• Ask permission to use another family members property or use the family vehicle

Control battles you should not choose:

• Trying to make your teen talk, this only puts them in control
• Forcing your teen to have the same values as you
• Forcing your teen to learn

When do you give your teen choices?

• When things are going well, not falling apart
• Select those choices that you as a parent like or agree with
• When you are willing to allow your teen to experience the consequences
• NEVER when the teen will be put into danger

When parents communicate with their teens they should be genuine and really believe in them.  Responsibility is caught, not taught, meaning teen’s catch on to it through experience and over time with consistency. We must give teens the opportunity to make their own decisions and own their mistakes.
Neutralizing arguing keeps the focus on the teen. Don’t participate in the arguments, arguing allows teens not to reason and they try to hit all your hot buttons.  Arguing is a lose-lose situation. Instead ask them questions about what is going on as if you were with an acquaintance “What are you (the teen) going to do about that?” or express what you think “What a bummer!” With conversations like this you are letting the teen know you think they can handle the situation.

Around the age of 12 our children begin to change their way of thinking. They are beginning to think more abstractly. They are analyzing, judging and forming their own opinions. They start to like having an opinion. They are finding their own identity and start to enjoy their own identity. As they grow it is important not to let the physical changes in teens affect your relationship and the development of your relationship. This is a good time to start asking them what they know and let them tell you about it. Learn to be non-judgmental with your teen.

The book goes into great detail on all of these points, part three of the book “Love and Logic Parenting Pearls” and deals with every day problems. But in order to use them you must under stand the principles of parenting with love and logic.

Actually, Love and Logic parenting is not so much a system as an attitude. When it’s applied in the context of a healty relationship with our teens, this attitude will free them to grow in maturity as they grow in years.

Parenting Teens With Love and Logic

“Parenting Teens with Love & Logic”

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Tagged as: arguing, Love and Logic, parenting teens, rebellious, teen problems