Most therapeutic boarding schools allow “weekly check in phone calls” from the student to their parents without the therapist. Some schools may have two short phone calls and others one long phone call a week. A long call is approximately 20 minutes, which is not much time but can be endless when the conversation is not going well. The protocol is also different at each of the schools, some allow the teens to talk unaccompanied, but with someone close by to make sure the call is not becoming destructive; others schools monitor the calls 100%. I was always a bit uncomfortable with the calls that were monitored, I felt my teen could not talk freely. This was also at the beginning of his treatment when he was manipulating us quite a bit so I may feel differently now.
Every week, I wait in high anticipation for these phone calls, I have only missed one in the entire time he has been there, but knew that I would be talking to him in a couple of days so did not worry. The calls are a no win situation, if they go well you miss them immensely after the phone call and if they go poorly you feel bad and wish you had more time to resolve the issues. Last week, when I got off the phone, I was agitated, I guess I expected more out of the phone call and the conversation felt very superficial. Also my husband and I were at some disagreement on how the calls should be handled. So, I, posted a question on a few of the parent forums that I belong to regarding “weekly phone call etiquette”. This is the question I posted:
I have a question for all the parents out there. What are your weekly phone calls like? I am not talking about family therapy, I am talking about the weekly calls with your teen. Do you talk about fun stuff? What you have been doing on a daily basis and never talk about the hard issues? If you do talk about the hard issues, then do you just gloss over them and pretend they are not there or do you have a real conversation about what you are thinking.
The reason I am asking, my husband and I are in disagreement about the weekly phone call. He wants it to be upbeat and non-contemplative. Where I prefer if we have issues to talk about they should be addressed. I am tired of glossing over the situation and being afraid to confront issues.
This question went out on a few forums, and my husband was irate with me that I would post we were in disagreement; until the replies came back and they went his way. If communication and weekly calls are something you or your family struggle with read on these are the replies that helped me and now I am looking forward to our call this coming week.
- Answer #1
I thought your question was great and my heart goes out to you as I know you are hurting and anxious to have the issues out in the open and on the table to discuss. However, try to look at this from the viewpoint of your son. He is constantly addressing his issues while at residential treatment in some form or another. You have family therapy and again issues are addressed. While I am not suggesting to gloss over any issues however, I truly believe that everyone including yourself, your husband and especially your son need the rest.I have found in this long journey with my teen that family sessions are for just that to deal with the hard stuff while a third party (therapist) contributes to helping all sides see different perspectives. I wanted my teen back, so with the phone calls in between we worked on building our relationship back and learning how to talk to one another again ….. and yes pretty soon the laughter came…… the trust is building and more importantly, my teen feels my love.I encourage you to share your feelings with your son and to bring to the table the concerns and worries you have but in the appropriate environment. In the meantime encourage him to continue to work on the issues that brought him to Residential Treatment. You have 1 weekly phone call……. use that time to tell him how much he means to you. - Answer #2
One parent commented that their weekly phone calls are filled with anger and resentment because the parents will not give in to the teens demands. They have had few phone calls, including family therapy since the teen will not talk. Once the teen realized the only way they were going to get out of RTC is to have a relationship with the family. Then the phone calls returned. From their experience and opinion, if the teen wants to talk about the nice stuff, do it. Save the tough stuff, or at least say, “let’s talk about that with so-and-so at our next meeting” for later. I think you’ll know when your teen is mature enough to talk about more difficult things, without needing a referee in the middle. But, if your teen filled with anger where every call is based around issues, then you don’t have much choice. You try to address them the best you can and save the rest for later. - Answer #3
In my view (which may or may not be shared by anyone other than me), the role of these calls is not necessarily to work through the hard issues (that is what the family therapy sessions are for) but rather to keep up and improve the lines of communication between us and our children — in short, to build or build on the trust that we need to have in our relationships. So, while they might be “therapeutic” in nature, they need not necessarily be problem solving focused.
There you have it, all the replies reinforced the conversations should remain on an upbeat trend building positive family relationships and communication, save the hard stuff for later. Looking back, I knew this all along but for some reason was not able to act on it and I needed reinforcement. Honestly, this journey is a struggle and my patience get worn.
If you have a comment or an experience with communication and your teen that you would like to have resolved put it out there, comment on this blog, you never know what advice you might get for free!
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