This week I was with a friend who is a stepmother, her stepdaughter is in her early 20’s. I have a stepson in his early 20’s, plus two biological sons that are younger and adore their older brother / stepbrother. I was surprised to learn my friends “stepdaughter” is adamant that she does not want to call her father’s wife “stepmother”. I don’t know why but it really struck me as peculiar. Why is it negative to be a stepchild or stepparent?
When I first met my stepson he was 4 years old, I had never been married before or cared much for young children. At the beginning of our relationship, prior to getting married, my husband put his foot down and told me his son was a part of the package, if I did not like it I could leave because his son was staying. Shortly after my husband and I got married our first son arrived (his second), that is when I truly understood and respected my husband’s devotion to “his” first son. My stepson and I had some bumpy times, and I would even say in the beginning we were competing for his father’s attention. After all I was the Queen! Now, I cannot imagine our family without my stepson, I love and care for him as if he were my biological son. I am proud to say I am a “Stepmother”.
How do you define a step relationship? There are so many different flavors of families today; it is difficult to use one as your guide especially for step families. In my situation, my stepson’s biological mother was and still is very involved in his life, I never felt like he needed another mother. Who needs two mothers, yikes! But at the same time it was important to be respected as an authority figure and I needed to earn it. He called me Mom for a short time, after my first son was starting to talk, this helped him call me Mommy. Basically, my stepson addresses me by my first name. There were times when I would introduce my kids but felt guilty introducing my bio-sons as “sons” and my “stepson”, it seemed as though he had a lower ranking in our family. As time went on my role slowly became more evident. I was not his Mom or his friend, but I am a special person in his life, I do feel I have gained his respect and that he looks up to me today. I am his father’s wife, his Stepmother, a role that cannot be replaced and I am proud of.
Six points I have learned as a Stepparent:
- Take it slow, parenting is not easy. The teen years are some of the most difficult and they can be difficult with any child.
- When your husband is talking about his “Ex”, learn to listen. They really don’t want your opinion. (:
- If your spouse becomes defensive about his children, back off. State your opinion then leave it alone.
- If you have issues with your stepchild, seek help outside your home. Your spouse will never understand what it is like to be in your shoes.
- If you feel you have been stereotyped the wicked step parent. Start taking care of yourself, parenting is tough and step parenting can be even tougher. Remember, you are only the wicked step parent if you allow yourself to be.
- Spend quality one on one time with your step child without the biological parent, let them get to know you as a person. Also spend quality one on one time with your spouse without the kids.
Websites with step parenting advice:
Teens Health
Steps for Stepmothers
Stepfamily Foundation
Focus Adolescent Services
HelpGuide.org
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