Saturday Morning Stretch – Being Present With Our Teens

Having a troubled teen comes with a lot of baggage. I have found what makes residential treatment successful is the lack of baggage and the enforcement of consistent consequences. A successful therapeutic program is how they deal with the kids day to day and do not hold on too baggage. All the kids in RTC get into trouble while there and they get into trouble over and over again. The difference is they are always starting over with a clean slate. They may have lost a level, but they have the chance to gain their level and trust back. The past is never held against them.

What does that mean? When my son was home on his first (and only to date) leave of absence we had an incident. Immediately I wanted to regress into the past and the bad experiences, but then I caught myself. The incident (which may seem small), he got caught smoking cigarettes after we (mom and dad) had gone to bed. I smelled the smoke but never saw the cigarette. This was breaking our trust and the contract for his home visit. Two rules were broken cigarettes and lighting fire or matches (fires were a problem before he left and to set the record straight we did not send him for treatment for smoking cigarettes!) What did I do?

• I did not punish him that evening. I stated what he did wrong and told him to go to his room for the rest of the night.
  Comment: in the past, he would have blown up at me and possibly bolted out the door. But I was impressed how he understood and went to his room without comment, actually following my instructions. (Credit to the program?)
• In the morning, we discussed the incident, I did not dwell on it. I explained again what had gone wrong, what rules had been broken and the consequences. I DID NOT go into the past and tell him how I can never trust him. I stayed in the present, moved on and did not mention it again. His reaction was better and I felt good about myself that I did not explode at him, and kept my integrity.
• The important point, he had grown (so had I), learned from the program and was able to accept the consequences. I know he is going to relapse, but now it is how he relapses.  I also understand that when your teen has spun out of control, being controlled as a parent can be impossible.

I go back to that incident many times in my mind, first I was impressed at how HE handled it and second I felt good about myself. In the past I had allowed my son to manipulate me so that I questioned my behaviors. Before he left he had us all running in circles.

I was able to remain present and in the moment, not in the past, not thinking what could happen in the future (feeling like he is never going to learn). But staying in the moment and not falling back into my old behaviors, now the challenge for me is accepting that my son is not the belligerent kid he once was and give him due credit.

Eckhart Tolle explains how as humans we have relationships that we share a lot of past experiences. Not always the best relationships and when we are together it can bring up baggage and old behaviors. Maybe teens feel the same way about being with their parents. If we are present and in the moment with our teens, there is more acceptance, less reacting and more compassion.
Eckhart Tolle speaking about “Being Present in Our Relationships”.

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Tagged as: Behaviors, consequences, Home Visit, leave of absence, parenting, parenting troubled teens, relapse