This is a note I sent to another family that was struggling with not seeing their child during the holidays:
I know the heartbreak you are currently feeling. Having your child in RT is one heartbreak after the other, but you have to believe there is light.
When my son was at his first therapeutic boarding school he spent most of his time on what they called YZ (yellow zone). It was very distressing. He is now at another facility in Utah and they have what they call ISU, intensive support unit. My son arrived at this RTC the end of September and spent almost 6 weeks in ISU (much like YZ). We had planned, much like you to go to Utah for Thanksgiving, but the day before we left we receive a phone call that our son was in ISU and they recommended that we do not go out for Thanksgiving. Well, that left us with nothing to do for Thanksgiving (Hello Safeway!). Between Thanksgiving and Christmas we had many discussions with our son that we would be coming out, (brother, dog etc.) to spend Christmas with him and if he could make his level he would be able to go off campus with us. After wilderness, one RTC and then having to move him to another, you would think he should at least be at a higher level. Each week we talked he had not made it. He told us not to worry he would do it. This week we found out in order to make level he needs at least a “D” average in school. He does not have a D average (unbelievable!!).
So … we are still driving out for Christmas (artificial xmas tree, presents, dog, brother, you name it) but we do not know what our son will be able to do.
Having your child in RT is an unknown gift (and I do believe it is a gift, because they are getting another chance). Like us, we do not know what to expect once we get there. He may be able to leave the facility, but we do not know for how long. First we could not believe that he would not be able to spend the night with us on Christmas Eve, now we don’t know if he will able to leave on Christmas day. But I do think that whatever happens we need to trust in the program and believe that it is the best, because I know how bad it can be and what a manipulator my son can be.
I was talking to a fellow in my office that has had personal experience with this type of behavior. His message to me was, if you spend one hour with him and then have to take him back to the facility (or leave the facility) that one hour is a blessing and be glad that you had it because it is more than you had previously. For these kids life is in the moment. I do think, we need to stay connected to our children while they are in treatment. Know your boundaries and know what works for you personally and let your son know what those boundaries are. The world does not revolve around them. We have to take care of ourselves so that we can be there for our children. He also told me, this is not something that is going to go away and to take each day as it comes.
I know how difficult this is for you, because we (mom, dad, brother, dog, artificial christmas tree) are all going through the same thing, you are not alone. Christmas is a time of traditions and memories, they seem to always be evolving. These are the times that will bring strength to our families.
I will think of your family while we are in Utah, Merry Christmas.
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