Laura Shumaker, a lovely local writer; has a son with Autism and has written numerous stories and books about her experiences raising a son with special needs. I wrote a blog post about her book A Regular Guy Growing Up With Autism and also had the honor to hear her read. Todays newspaper published an article by Laura I wanted to share with you Autism and parenting: drive by phone calls. Those of us with troubled teens know all to well about “drive by phone calls”. Laura writes and says so well
It occurred to me that ALL parents get those drive by phone calls, and that there was no such thing as normal.
I have naively thought they were over and coincidently last night one hit me like a steam train, her article was perfect timing. I often wonder, will these go on into adulthood? Troubled teens can turn into troubled adults and for those parents with children with Autism it sounds like you always have to be ready.
This is a link to Laura’s website: LauraShumaker.com
Last week we (my husband and I) met with our parent support group for teens that have been in Residential Treatment, more specifically Heritage School in Provo, Utah. This is an informal group of parents that live in our community; five families (including us) that have had teens in an RTC at the same time; these families got to know each other during their travels to and from the parent conferences. We are the fifth family in the group; invited by one of the group members when she learned about our sons placement. All of the teens graduated a few years before our son and it is interesting to hear how life is “post residential treatment”. This is our group that really understands what it is like to have a troubled teen at home and we always have a great time when we are together with a lot of good laughs and a few crys. Read on, you will see recovery continues to be a mixed bag.
Brief demographics of the group:
- All the adults are professionals
- Four of the five teens are adopted, with no siblings
- Three boys and two girls
- Two of the families are single mothers, one family is divorced both parents are very involved and two families have both parents at home.
- All the teens are over 18, except my son who will be 18 in a few weeks. None of the teens are 21.
- I don’t think any of the teens are attending a 12 step program, many of the parent are in Ala-Non.
Below is a synopsis of each family situation at this time.
Family One: Son returned home from a step down and attended the local high school. Got in trouble at the local high school dealing drugs, was oppositional and defiant at home. A major event happened in the home parents called the police and their son ended up in juvenile hall. After this event the boy did not return home he lived with another family. The parents are very strict about the boundaries at home and he has not lived at home since. He has visited and the parents help with some essential living expenses (health insurance for one). Now he is couch surfing, but seems to be surviving on his own and to my knowledge may not be using drugs or if he is seems to be staying under the radar.
Family Two: Daughter, after graduating from a step down, got a job with a major department store. Kept the job for a few years now is unemployed and not going to school. Talks about wanting to do Internet classes. Met a guy, fell in love and got married at 19. Now she spends most of her day planning her “real” wedding; which I think is this summer. From all that I can tell she is staying out of trouble and appears to be doing well.
Family Three: Daughter, graduated from the RTC returned home and really has not been able to focus or have any real definite goals. Spends most of her days doing nothing. Tried going to school but it did not work. Right now the mother is quite upset, the daughter does not follow the house rules, is not contributing. They are attending family therapy, the mom would like her to move out but is afraid for her daughter that she cannot do it on her own and does not have any money. The girl recently had pictures taken for a portfolio and wants to be a model. Smokes and uses drugs and has had a few different boyfriends.
Family Four: Son and I don’t know much about this family. He is living at home to the mother’s dismay. Does not appear to be compliant and I do not think he is contributing or going to school. Right now the mother is debating helping him find a room, paying the rent to get him out of the house.
Family Five: This is my family, son and soon to be 18. This coming week he should be completing his studies to graduate from high school (keep your fingers crossed). Enrolled to start junior college the next week. Does not have a job, hangs with friends on the street when not in school. Using drugs and smokes cigarettes (not in our home). Appears to be staying “under the radar” and has not been in trouble lately with the law. When at home he is compliant and does not appear to be under the influence. We are taking it one day at a time!
Speaking for my family, even though it may not be perfect, it is so much better than it was pre-treatment. For me I have resolved myself to accepting my family for what some may think as shortcomings and I hope that as we continue to work together it will also continue to improve.
If you have a teen that has completed a treatment program or went to residential treatment and is now discharged how are they doing? Please comment and share your experience. Those of you that have not experienced residential treatment and have a troubled teen how are you doing?
It is now 2010, 2009 is history what will 2010 bring. Right now I am feeling like more of the same thing after reading one of my most popular posts “Teens Consequences for Bad Grades”** from June 2009. Since the report cards for the last semester are just hitting the mailbox, I could easily take that post and re-date it. So I guess I would have to say more of the same thing. The funny part is I “thought” things were getting better for him, but I guess he dug himself into too big of a hole at the beginning of the year. Here I am at the end of another semester with my head in my hands.
At first my husband and I thought he might have some kind of a learning disability. Why would our son be flunking out of high school, so the last few months we had him tested at school and it turns out he really is capable and does not qualify for any special needs. Now we have a kid that is capable and flunking out of school. Did we get phone calls from his teachers; does the school do anything about this? NO! He appears to be one of the kids that are falling through the cracks of our public education system. Granted maybe there is more that I can do, but I don’t think it is acceptable for our system to stand back and allow a teen with parent support (I am talking about real parent support) to be flunk out of school that does not have an apparent learning disability. Our schools are failing our teen’s big time; they are not pro-active.
At the end of last year when he failed two classes I made him go to summer school, amazingly this was not mandatory, I had to request it. I was hoping he would learn, get the message and therefore not want to spend another summer going to school. But I guess the message was not strong enough. Luckily, he did go to summer school and passed both of the courses he needed. I have heard due to budget cuts they may slash the summer school programs for the upcoming summer. An alternative that will not be there if he should fail his academic classes again this year.
Where is our education going? Where are our societies priorities? It appears to me when the bell rings – the teachers are done. We have called a few meetings with the teachers and counselor to see what could be done to get his grades improved. Out of 5 classes, two of his teachers showed up; at another meeting one teacher attended. We sat there with the counselor, reading the notes the teachers had written. The English teacher coaches Girl’s Tennis after school therefore she could not make it. Uhhh, she couldn’t take 15 minutes to meet with the parents of one of her student’s that is failing her English class? I have tried contacting her and she is very unavailable. What is her priority, Girl’s Tennis or a student that is failing her English class? The administration seems to be fine with it; in my mind I am thinking what message is the student getting from the school?
Our education system is severely broken. No Child Left Behind, what happened with that? The teachers are fearful of the testing, so most of them are excelling in how to fill in the bubble. The bubble has burst and our teens are paying for it. Today I read in the paper that the Los Angeles Unified School District (LAUSD) has a 50% dropout rate and shows no signs of improving. They are now converting 30% of LAUSD to charter schools. Whatever I am all for whatever it takes to shake up this educational nightmare we have created.
Where does all this put me now? Once again trying to come up with consequences and figure out how I am going to motivate my son in an education system that is not for the betterment of our children, but for all the administrators that are fearful of loosing their jobs if any real changes are made. What do we get; same – old same – old.
Hind site is always 20-20, if I had it to do all over again and I could afford it, I would put my kids in private school.
**Everyone that has commented on my post Teens Consequences for Bad Grades thanks so much for your input as you can see I am still in the game!
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